make them shut up

make them shut up

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i sit down on my bed and grab my head, why can't they never shut up. why do they keep saying such horrible things to me.. my mom has left the room room with one of her many worried faces. god, i pray to you, i beg you, i just want to be normal, why did you give me these voices, i know suicide is a sin but i am going to get killed by them. i kneel down on the ground. my hands together, my elbows resting on the edge of the bed and my head against my hands. god, if you are listen, make them go away. i beg you.
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I never thought I'd actually do this.... I've thought about it but never actually gone through with it.... The voice in my head has been screaming at me for years... But I never actually tried to do... This... It's hard to be around people when you have someone telling you to tear their throats out with your teeth... But it's worse when you're alone. She tells me to do terrible things to myself... Tells me I'm worthless... Unloved....Expendable... Of course I believe her. She's in my head for Christ's sakes how can I not believe her. It's so hard...I gave in...I had no choice...the temptation is so strong. I can't hug people without wondering what it would feel like to thrust a knife into their back and feel their bodies jerk in surprise as they slowly began to realize...that they're dying.....they're being murdered...and not by a complete stanger...but by a person that they love....that they thought they could trust....oh god I want to...give in..... I can't believe my life is like this. Why me? How could I do such a horrible thing? Why....

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