The Online Diary
- Reads 3
- Votes 1
- Parts 1
Ongoing<5 mins
Last published Sat, Jul 23, 2016
I never quite know what I'm feeling or what it is I'm suppose to do. I know what I want to do and hope someday I can do, but the paths a bit foggy. I write down these words on paper and seeing the ink run no longer does it for me. It doesn't take that weight off my shoulders anymore in fact it piles on even heavier than before. My emotions were never suppose to show, but perhaps they need to be shown, because maybe one day someone might have actual answers to my questions, maybe one day I can make people understand the flip side of things. I just have to hope and believe that one day it'll all get better, and that one day I won't need this diary to store my feelings. If you wish to read, I am not here to stop you.
I'll say something about the morning and then the evening. To just release my emotions
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I've written 3 anonymous online journals so far in my life. The first was as an adolescent, ending when, at 19, I commenced a long term relationship in which my partner had an issue with me writing about my thoughts and feelings in case they were about her. I also had to cease my other creative outlet - drawing. Because she felt it's abstracted nature hid secret messages about her. The second started when that relationship was coming to an end. I needed an outlet. I had nobody to talk to about what I was going through so I secretly started writing again. This is that second journal, when I was around 25 years old, which I've taken from it's retired blogger page and have transferred here. Part of the reason I am doing this is because my daughter, who was very young at the time of writing this, has expressed some curiosity about my journal. One day when she's older and has more life experience it might be OK to see what I'm writing now, but in the meantime, she can read this, a moment in my life for which she was present but that she could not understand at the time.
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"Are you ok?" "What's wrong?" "Are you sad?" "Everything will be okay". Honestly, I'm not okay, what's wrong? Everything! And why am I sad? Because I can't handle anything anymore and NOTHING will be okay. I don't know why I always need to lie to everyone about me, it's not like they could understand anyways. Who's been by my side? Well people obviously, but none of them can know what I think! How I feel! How could they anyways, it's not like my life is a book that people can just read and understand... Who am I? An emotional girl who is exaggerating right now? Haha! NO. I'm actually Anne, and I'm fourteen. I guess that I'm a social teen, always looking happy and approchable. Well not lately...But you'll get to that part at some point. I'm an "average teen" like some people say. Well I honestly don't know. I'm always tired, depressed stressed, but some say that that's normal. Of course because my life isn't complicated at all...Maybe I imagine things? All these years and I've always kept things inside, of course I have friends, but they can't hear my thoughts and know everything in my pathetic life. So that's why I've decided "Well why not write in a diary? Maybe it will help? Or something" I have no idea if it actually helps, but it might...At least it's something I can open up to. To talk about my suicidal thoughts, my depression, my self-harm issues and my eating disorder... On that note.... Bye.... Fml :) AnneComplete
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