Back to the Start (UNDERGOING MAJOR EDITING)
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Hi I'm Maya Hart, in the past year I have dealt with major mental health issues. I didn't feel comfortable with my body and physical appearance. I decided to change that.
I began to not eat and panic about loosing any kind of weight. I thought I was too fat, too ugly, etc. This feelings toppled over me, causing me to suffocate.
One night in September, only the beginning of freshman year, I collapsed. The doctors said if i didn't arrive 20 minutes sooner, I would've died.
I was in Intensive Care for 18 days, they were about to send me to rehab. That whole time I was in the hospital, I didn't contact anyone. I was flooded with texts of asking me if I was okay, but I simply ignored them. To this day I'm still truly guilty for my actions.
I was diagnosed with Anorexia and Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Hearing the diagnosis broke my heart. I did this out of being selfish. I remember that day so vividly, the hours I spent crying because of how truly sorry I felt.
The sent me to a rehabilitation facility up in Philadelphia. I was there for 11 months, and I was released last week. I still haven't contacted my friends. I'm too afraid they'll hate me and think I'm selfish because I ruined my life. ! I'm really excited to join my friends again, after being in rehab for almost a year.
They don't even know what happened, how am I supposed to explain? It was like I was hiding a dirty secret, but it was my life. I had to own up to it. As I walk back in forth in my room I can't help but think the worse case scenarios.
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*PUBLISHED as 'Tired of Being Tired, Sick of Being Sad' by Azia To *now on amazon* This is the book I wish I had when I was 12, 13, 14 and growing up until I was 20. It's the stuff I wish I told my high school self. *** This is how I feel - these are my thoughts. They're funny. They're a bit weird. They're extremely honest. And I will not be apologetic about any of this (Sorry - I'm not trying to give Canadians a bad rep here but...). All these short essays are raw and mean a lot to me. This is me handing you a key to my home, and for you to explore the parts that I have built and things that I have picked up along my journeys. You may find that my home may look a lot like yours. It's funny how we find parts of ourselves in the people we meet. Make yourself comfortable. Have a seat. Welcome. *** A collection of funny essays about hurting, loving, and healing as a teenage girl in 2018.
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