Woman's Best Friend

I loved Woman. I loved waking up with Her in the morning. I loved the way She Smelled. I loved jogging in the park with Her. I loved when She gave me kisses, and scratched my belly. I loved when She fed me yummy Food. I loved sitting with my head in Her Lap. I loved everything about Her! No woman was more perfect, no woman was more beautiful, no woman smelled sweeter than My Woman.

But there was one thing I didn't like. Woman sometimes brought men home without sniffing them out properly. I wouldn't have minded if She brought home a good man -- like the nice man who sold tasty hot Meat at the Meat-Stand in the park, or the nice man who opened the door downstairs for us and sometimes gave me Treats! I would have been cool with those men.

Instead, She brought home men who didn't smell right. Men who smelled like fear, which smells like stinky cat pee, which does not smell good at all. Men who were all fakey inside, who'd pat me on the head and say "Hey boy, who's a good boy," but didn't really mean it.

Men who made my Woman act all nervous, and not like Herself. Men who made my Woman sad!

By now, you've probably figured it out. That's right. I'm a Dog.

My name's Mister MacDougal. I'm a Scottish terrier. And I'm the smartest, handsomest Dog you'll ever meet.

Now: if you were a smart, handsome Dog who loved your Woman more than anything in the whole world -- even more than Food! -- you'd do anything to protect Her, and stop Her sadness, wouldn't you?

Well, that's what this tale is all about.

(A fair warning for sensitive readers: I'm a Dog. A Boy Dog. And Boy Dogs, you know, can be a little R-rated in the way they think about things. So even though I'm a gentleman at heart -- not to mention fixed, where it counts -- some people may find that stuff offensive. I'm cool with it. Just letting you know.)