"Thoughts at 4am"

Up, late nights, can't sleep.
Thinking of who I use to be.
Torn in between the picture I painted,
And my reality.
Doesn't feel real to me.
Raped, used, and abused you see.
So a fairy tale was everything to me.
Everything i tried to seek.
But life got the best and the worst of me.
Trying to convince myself I'm happy,
But living in hell. mentally.
By all means, take the first look into my eyes.
You'll see.
The hurt suffering and pain.
My way of escape is a lover screaming my name.
Sex, drugs, and alcohol
Was how I got away from it all
What the fuck do I do when my back is up against the wall
And no one to call?
They ridiculed me, left me in the dark when I could not see.
Can you feel my agony?
But thank God for Messiah
He saved me from the fire
somehow I'm still making it through
So thank God for you.
He's my drive and reason for my never ending, ambition.
He is the reason I'm still alive and didn't end it.
Almost.
But I'm still here.
He gave my life purpose
So I'll always be there.
Mommy loves you and put no one above you
If you could only understand
What I've been through
But each day I just try to make it better
Because I got you.