Red, red wine (it's up to you. All I can do, I've done.)

Your life-long best friend, Cassadie, invites you to her catholic CHurch this weekend. It's hard to tell the blondE bitch 'no' because you're such a good friend, but mostly because you're madLy in love with her. DesPite your agnosticism, you comply and atTend church... for Cassadie. Upon arrival, you put on your this-is-a-bad-idea glasses and aggressively cHeck Facebook completely ignoring the pastor. MaybE, just this once, you should have paid More attention to detail to what they're handing out.
Remember, there's no such thing as a free meal.