Faded

Do you ever get that feeling that you are alone in this world even though there is someone standing right next to you? Do you ever feel like you are waging your wars alone, you can't let anyone in and understand in fear of being left broken and having to pick up the pieces yourself? Well I've been broken one too many times. And after having been broken you feel like giving up, leaving yourself shattered. You feel like you are numb and done and that there is no hopeful undertone in this life anymore. Shadows are screaming that you're alone but then you think, you've made it this far. You think, what's keeping me alive? Why can't I just get it over and done with? They say it's hope. They also say its fear. You may feel like you are done in that moment and one moment can change everything. Its fear that you will miss all the good things, you might find someone to care for you, to love you to protect you from these demons clawing at the inside of your skull, screaming for you to just do it and get it over with. For me? I will never be able to do it. I don't know if it's because of hope and fear. Believe me I've tried but I stopped and thought, I can never go back, once it's done it's done and there is NO going back. I always thought that the physical pain is better than the psychological. Nothing is more deadly than our minds. I would go to school hoping someone might notice and when I finally have courage to tell someone I push them away but I hope they come back and when they don't I just think did they really care for me? They obviously didn't understand and thought I was a lost cause. I never thought I was a lost cause even though how hopeless I feel all the time. If I was a lost cause, I would be dead but here I am. I'm still battling and this is my story.