In the 2028 campaign season, lifelong celebrity Eugene Turtlechurch finds himself the designated frontrunner to succeed avuncular incumbent President Bertolt Bednap. What no one seems to realize is that Eugene's powerful spouse Beatrice Turtlechurch may not only be the real power behind the throne, but the most formidable candidate of them all. Author note: Originally written fifteen years ago and never published, the contentious and upsetting 2016 campaign season made it finally seem as though this story's time had come. After a title change and a little tweaking to make the language and tech seem up to date, here is my jaundiced view of the American political process.