Drowning

Drowning

Reads 10
Votes 0
Parts 1

Ongoing<5 mins

Last published Fri, Dec 16, 2016

anxiety bipolar depression drowning staystrong

Does it ever feel like your drowning and your sinking deeper and deeper with nobody to save you?

All Rights Reserved

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You don't believe me anyways. You don't see me throwing away my inhibitions or filling up my online shopping cart. You don't see me diving into new life goals and careers and areas of study. You don't see my cry to myself in the car when my chest sinks in and my head gets crushed in a vice. You don't feel the panic in my stomach whenever I must make human contact. And you sure don't see how hard I try. How I wake up every morning and apply my mask. My work mask- to conceal all of this. But.... It's been the same mask for many years And my mask is wearing thin. My sadness, my anger, my paranoia and grand euphoria are trying to become a part of your world too. A world where it's not welcome. A world where it's not understood, where it's frowned upon.
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Drowning
I couldn't answer him, and I could tell that he knew what he was doing. Emmett already had me so far under, making me believe that I had control over what has occurred these past few months. He had his hold on me, and he was only letting us sink into deeper waters. "I think you know how I feel, Grace." He told me, forcing his eyes on mine, making it impossible for me to respond. "I love you." His light, clear blue eyes were all I could see, reminding me of the lake, the sky, and of him, all at the same time. And as I looked into those blue irises, and whispered back my response as he brought his mouth closer to mine, I found that for the first time, I was alright with drowning, as long as it was Emmett pulling me under.
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I always thought I was safe, you know? I mean, it wasn't really something I thought about before. It's not like I had a reason to worry about being particularly unsafe. I've always been perfectly normal anyways. Nothing exciting or dangerous happened to me. I was a plain Jane in every sense of the phrase, and nothing strange or particularly astonishing ever happens to people like me. My entire philosophy, however, was completely and drastically changed after being attacked and raped one night. I probably would have been killed if it weren't for Drake Collins, the closed off "tough guy" of my school. He came to my rescue, and reluctantly swore not to breathe a word to anyone. Unfortunately, my attacker escaped. It was after that, that I closed myself off from the few people that I did talk to before. My safety, my very sense of security, was violated. My world was swept out from under my feet. Drake stayed by my side the entire time, helping me through my struggles. He became the only one I could talk to or confide in, and was soon the only reason I woke up each morning. He kept me safe.
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Do you know that feeling? Nothing matters, nobody cares, life has no meaning. That feeling that you want to just give up? That all you do is use up space and annoy people? That everybody is better off without you? That's me everyday. Every single day I have to restrain myself from jumping in front of a car or taking all my pills all at once. These short stories are my thoughts when I'm alone.
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Complete

You don't believe me anyways. You don't see me throwing away my inhibitions or filling up my online shopping cart. You don't see me diving into new life goals and careers and areas of study. You don't see my cry to myself in the car when my chest sinks in and my head gets crushed in a vice. You don't feel the panic in my stomach whenever I must make human contact. And you sure don't see how hard I try. How I wake up every morning and apply my mask. My work mask- to conceal all of this. But.... It's been the same mask for many years And my mask is wearing thin. My sadness, my anger, my paranoia and grand euphoria are trying to become a part of your world too. A world where it's not welcome. A world where it's not understood, where it's frowned upon.

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