In the traditional narratives of the reign of the Achaemenid king Ahasuerus and Queen Esther, important not-quite-historical figures including the sagacious Carshena, the compassionate Hegai, and the steadfast retired horse of king Ahasuerus have had their consequential roles and decisions relegated to mere anecdotes in skipped-over lists. The not-quite-history of the middle Achaemenid Empire might have turned for the worst were it not for the swift political minds of serving girls and scribes at the Persian court, or without the rivalries of those royal concubines outshined by the beautiful queen of Judean descent; though the names of these pivotal people were sadly lost to the annals of history. Bystanders in a Story of Lots flips over the traditional book of Esther so that the plot is told by those characters glossed over or all but ignored in the original text. Though much of this narrative remains a speculative endeavor for the necessary educated guesses required to fill in the gaps in the historical records, my hope is that it but begin to address the injustice done to the lots of supposed bystanders overlooked by more founded works.