was this worth the pain?

This book is based on real events, the characters are real, to make it into more of a story I've added things which didn't occur, please don't copy my story or characters. Teaser: As I stared at the wall my arms wrapped securely around my legs I tried to slow my ragged breathing, to calm the shakes of hysterical tears and try to stop myself feeling anymore pain and sorrow I was experiencing at this moment in time. I didn't know what was happening, it felt as though someone had punched a hole in my chest, I had lost a piece of me I feared I would never see again. I kept my sobs as quiet as possible so not to cause anyone's attention to turn to me, I was sat in complete darkness so it was seem as though I was asleep, I just wanted to end it, the pain, suffering, heartbreak. 'Why am I feeling like this?' I thought to myself, I hadn't told anyone what I was feeling, I didn't know myself quite what was going on. Everyone may have been a bit harsh at school but, I'm not this weak, this was something new, something different, I felt dark inside like there was no light at the end of the tunnel, I pulled at my blonde wavy hair harshly letting silent screams tremble out from my lips, my breathing to move in and out of my lungs harshly. The tears continued to fall rapidly, I collapsed onto my side the bed saving me from injury, my messy hair landed apon a soft fluffy pillow, my tears soaking the beautiful design. As the anger and sadness deceased I felt my eyelids become heavy until all I saw was darkness one thing came to mind as I lost consciousness 'does he think I honestly deserve this?