without you.

I stood there. Watching from a distance as everyone mourned her. I felt like I was nothing more than a ghost of who I was before her, she isn't here anymore and that's all I know. She's not coming back.
It's so crazy to think, the I love you I spoke as I kissed her goodbye just three days ago was the last. It's hard to imagine that was the last moment I would have been able to kiss her again.
But it's real. That was our last kiss, my last I love you, her last smile, her last words. What can I do about it now? I'd like to say I was sad but.
I wasn't.
Sad doesn't begin to explain the emotion that flowed through my veins ever breath I took looking at the beautiful face in that casket.
Sad doesn't describe the feeling in my stomach as my mind flicked through scenes of us together.
Sad doesn't bring justice to the heartbreak in my chest and the pain in my head and the tears in my eyes.
So again I say: I am not sad.
This is inconsolable despondent downcast grief-stricken depression.
This is a sick wretched dejected miserable heartbreak.
This. This is an unbearable unhappiness as anyone had ever known. This is hell.

~~~~~~~~

A Letter to my dead girlfriend:

🖤🖤🖤