Absurdist Stories

Tyler is being hunted by the Grinning Man and flees to Marble Springs, where he teams up with Serling and Price, real estate agents who sell haunted houses. ***** After his brother disappears and a burial mound explodes, high school student Tyler Graves starts having strange visions. His brother warns him that something is coming for him. Soon, Tyler's entire family is slaughtered, and he's being hunted by an otherworldly entity known as The Grinning Man. Fleeing to Marble Springs, he meets Serling and Price, real estate agents who specialize in selling haunted houses. It's up to this unlikely trio to stop a madman from destroying the world - by literally unleashing Hell on Earth! (Sequel to Apartment 239.) [[word count: 100,000-150,000 words]]

Ziggy Hamantaschen Widdershins XX is a long Furby who has a passionate and slightly unhealthy obsession with all things related to the pharmacy Walgreens. No one can explain why he loves it so much, although experts from all over the world have struggled to find an answer. Sure, he can get his mother's dementia meds or nibble absent-mindedly on some Ghirardelli or even play sudoku with Velgar the shadow demon there. But despite everything, there seems to be no single, concrete explanation. Join me-the documenter of Ziggy's strange life and the author of this biography-on an awesome and wonderfully weird journey through Siegfried Hamantaschen Widdershins XX's life! Currently #1 in long Furby, #1 in Furby, #1 in Furbies, #1 in Walgreens, and #1 in weird fiction! I'm a true scholar! WHAT TO EXPECT NEXT: - A contest winner on August 3rd and a new bonus section. ENTER THE CONTEST WHILE IT LASTS! **AUTHOR'S NOTE:** This is a short story that I had previously written that I am now posting on Wattpad. I made this version to add bonus content and new paragraphs if I want to. Despite being nearly completed, and having my full approval to be finished, I will be taking recommendations and suggestions for new bonus paragraphs! Ziggy is a rising star and deserves to have his story continued! Please note that all ideas/suggestions will not be accepted!

For anyone who has ever felt like content instead of a person One morning, Robin typed three words into Google. No capital letters. No question mark. Just flat, unceremonious: should i die The algorithm had an answer. Actually, the algorithm had fifteen million answers. Sponsored. Monetized. Discount-coded. What followed was a single day that became a media circus, a bidding war, a TED Talk, a podcast, a Netflix pitch, a Broadway musical, a cryptocurrency. Die Like a Star is a darkly funny, razor-sharp satire about the world we've built: one where your pain is a product, your grief is a brand opportunity, and even the desire to disappear gets a sponsorship deal. Robin didn't want to die famous. He just wanted to be left alone. The world had other plans.

A dying town launches a rebranding campaign that no one seems to be running. The billboards appear overnight. The slogans don't explain themselves. A diner waitress says nobody puts them up, and nobody takes them down. A couple arrives expecting ironic tourism and finds something closer to a live experiment. Beauchêne doesn't ask visitors to believe anything. It only asks them to stay. To notice. To participate. What begins as small-town decay becomes a slow, sideways unraveling... murals that feel instructional, civic programs that behave like dares, and a town that seems increasingly aware of the people passing through it. A surreal, slow-burn satire about American decline, anti-branding, and the strange comfort of entropy. Meaning doesn't collapse here. It rebrands. Entropy is a vibe. Decline tastes like caramel. Welcome to Beauchêne. You're here now.

A man takes the title of The Wiggles' "Yummy Yummy" DVD too literally and sues for false advertising. Stupidity ensues. NOTE: This work contains instances of crude/coarse language for comedic effect - reader discretion advised.

The Old Man The Old Man follows Steve, a deaf father trying-and failing-to survive his unbelievably chaotic family. His blind wife Susan, brain-damaged daughter Abigail, and noseless son Earl turn a simple day at home into a disaster of screaming, smearing, and a mysterious cross-eyed dog that shows up only to eat turds off the floor. As a noodle-armed stranger with a toe growing from his palm joins the madness, Steve realizes his life has spiraled beyond all laws of nature. But just when the chaos peaks, he wakes up-forty years old, calm, living in a quiet apartment with a normal cat. It was all one disgusting, ridiculous nightmare. The Old Man is a fast, bizarre, gross-out comedy with a surreal twist and a surprisingly peaceful ending.

Cats are cats, right? (I will re-write this one day, less cringe filled and better, I may not even continue this) (keep in mind I wrote this a while back)

"The Hunt for the Last Bag of Chee‑Zoos™" Better known as: "The Squirmunk™ Incident" Umbla just wanted a quiet morning in the lab. Purple wanted snacks. The universe wanted chaos. What should've been a simple grocery run spirals into a city‑wide Chee‑Zoos™ shortage, a collapsing snack aisle, a suspicious white van with a giant Squirmunk™ on top, and a destiny Purple insists is "speaking directly to her." Now the girls are chasing the last bag in existence, the Yugo is holding itself together out of spite, and Umbla is starting to realize that Purple's obsession with Zippy the Atomic Squirmunk™ goes deeper than she ever imagined. The hunt begins. The chaos escalates. And destiny... apparently involves hardware.

"It's a spoof on how the grinch stole Christmas" -mj, 2024

Better read with an open mind. Best read with an empty mind. A Spiritual Text and Testament Artwork by the Author

A piece from high school: "You pray to Allah a thousand times a day. Where's he now?" I was just riding my bike in the driveway. My parents told me not to, but I thought it was a dumb rule. That was before the bike got stolen. Before the armored man kicked in our front door. Before I ended up in the back of a white van next to a kid named Aabid who wanted to show me his papercut. Apparently we're terrorists. I watched a lot of Law and Order, so I know my rights - but I'm not sure that's going to help here. A darkly funny, sharply political story about two Muslim kids, a grieving guard, and a system that never needed proof.

A comedy about Mark clubs the greatest golfer in the world. He is insanely good at golf, but he's hopeless with romance, can he find love while being so good at golf???

Many short stories of fantasy, absurdist fiction, and horror.

When pigeons vote gravity out of office, an ordinary retired dentist finds himself recruited by a dreaming Egg. Its mission? To erase Thursday, the most suspicious day of the week. But time doesn't like being edited, and soon Harold is negotiating with bureaucratic owls, duelling with anthropomorphic weekdays, and questioning whether anticipation itself is worth saving.

A existentialist absurdist story of a man who is in a room and reads books. (My first story so constructive criticism is welcome!)

In a city run by an omnipotent assistant, cash is suspicious, coffee is prohibited, and solitude is the default state of being human. She doesn't want freedom. She doesn't want justice. She wants caffeine. And perhaps to pay her rent.

A crime scene cleaner and a demon profiler must clean up a vampire hoarding site, find a powerful relic, and toss it back into hell before it destroys the French Quarter and the world.... My name is Faith Jordan. I clean up crime scenes after the police, CSI, and the dead have gone home, and faithless, dark places where the dead, and other creatures, linger on. I run FULL MOON CLEANERS and my main responsibility is to thoroughly and discreetly mop up after someone or something dies violently, to restore a scene to what it looked like before the violent death. I am daily exposed to nasty human blood-borne diseases and nasty inhuman viruses like vampire, zombie, and the rarer werewolf virus. During a recent job, I got infected with the werewolf virus, so I needed a friggin' vacation. I took a trip to the Old South with my lover Ash, a former priest and demon profiler. We found ourselves cleaning up my first vampire crime scene in an old jazz joint. The vamps at the scene were missing their heads. After we finished cleaning it up, Ash reluctantly came with me to New Orleans, so I could return the vamp's over-payment. No way I was going to be indebted to a vampire. But there was a small problem. The overweight, depressed, socially awkward, blues man/vampire "Ham" wanted us to find out who was killing vampires and why he was on a hit list. He didn't want to die on a sour note. He wanted us to clean up his putrid town home next. See, he's a hoarder and he misplaced something that someone powerful desperately wants back. Ash wanted no part of New Orleans, where he'd almost been turned by one of the world's most seductive vampires, Lilith, who'd kept him imprisoned for years before he escaped. Lilith is part of one of the most vicious lust demon crime syndicates in The Crescent City and she wants the Kissing Stone for herself. But I'm going to find it first. Ash and I will just have to take things one full moon at a time...

A young banker decides to travel to the zoo with his foxy wife to rekindle their relationship, but a gradual slipping in his mind causes him to question her existence.

Chapter 1 of The Box Factory