officiousMartyr
You stare at the message much the same way as you had the murder stove. You can't believe the audacity of some people. Who does he think he is, wasting his money to send you on vacation to a place you've never even been to? And all just so you'll get out of the house? Doesn't he know that all it would take to get you to re-enter the sunlight is the promise of an aquarium and girls in daisy dukes? Seriously, what the hell, Jake!
Your name is Simon Malone, and you don't know it yet, but your life is about to take a complete 180.
(credit for the cover goes to Xx_honeybee_xX! thanks bro!)