In Remembrance

When You're Young

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Taejah

When Taejah was young, she lost her dad. It was incredibly sad and, as you would expect, she didn't take it well. She misses him every day, or tries to, anyway. She hates herself every time there's a day she doesn't think about him, but she's sad when she does think about him; but Taejah would rather be sad than forget about her dad. He was her favorite person in the world. He gave her everything he could. He made sure she was happy, he made sure she was safe, he showed up for her when he said he would.

Showing up. That meant a lot to Taejah. She has a long history of people telling her "I'll be there" and not showing up; her dad always showed up. Things were going so good; her family moved into a home together, they spent holidays together, and her dad would take her siblings and her on midnight walks around Christmas time so they could see the lights hanging everywhere; those were Taejah's favorite.

Taejah met her dad when she was five years old, and it's weird because the very first time she saw him talking to her mom outside their apartment building, she knew she was going to love him. While her siblings ran upstairs, she stopped to watch the exchange; until she was spotted, which scared her because of the sudden exposition. He waved at her and she hurriedly waved back and ran upstairs after her siblings. After that, her mom started to let him go to the park with them and spend time together, which was just the start of that story.

When you're young, you know you love your parents, that they take care of you, and try to hide the bad. As Taejah got older, she started hearing her parents argue and slam doors. She also took notice that her dad drank beer every day, too many a day. He started taking them on walks on school nights – in the middle of the night he would wake them from their sleep. Taejah knew it was to let off steam, but that's not how her mom saw it. They fought and fought and fought all day, all night. In the mix of this, Taejah was getting bullied in school every day and felt she couldn't tell her parents because they were already going through so much. It didn't help that they eventually lost their home and had to move in with her grandma. Except her grandad and her dad didn't get along and he wasn't allowed in their home. So he went to stay with his mother, who didn't like their family either. There were visits here and there. But at every visit her parents would argue. Taejah heard them arguing outside one day and went to sit on the steps of their apartment to listen. Her mom was yelling about something Taejah didn't understand, which is how it went the whole time. The one thing she did understand, though, was that her mom didn't want to see him anymore and she didn't want him to see her kids anymore.

That was summer of 2014. February 14, 2015, Taejah had a fever and she felt so bad that she just kept crying and holding herself against her mom. Taejah's mom figured calling her dad would calm her down and when she asked Taejah, it was the first time she smiled all day. Taejah wanted to call and wish him a happy Valentines Day. When they called, her dad's mother picked up the phone. They asked for her dad and Taejah's heart broke when she was told that he had passed away in December.

She was angry and confused as to why his mother wouldn't called them and tell them sooner. She started crying and her mom didn't know what was going on because she had given the phone right to Taejah so she can talk to him, so she grabbed the phone and started talking, but Taejah couldn't hear what was being said over her sobs. She didn't know why this happened and she didn't care. She just wanted time to go back so she can see him one more time. She was so cold to where you can feel her goosebumps if you touched her. She was shaking and holding herself more than before and her tears were nonstop for hours.

When you're young, you know your parents love you, and you love them, that's all there is to know. Taejah started questioning if she really did love him because she started to think about who he was, what he liked. She didn't know this stuff. She didn't know his favorite color, his favorite cereal, favorite sport or movie, favorite drink or food – she didn't know. She didn't know what he did when he wasn't around, what he did in his free time, if he had a job or where he worked, if he had friends who cared about him or he cared about – she didn't know! All she knew was who he was with her.

His name was Thomas Farra and he was always there for Taejah. He took time to talk to her, to walk with her, and he looked at her like he was the luckiest man alive because he had her in his life. He drank an unhealthy amount of beer and his laugh and smile never faded, he was brave – he let Taejah give him a haircut when she was eight years old, he was giving and he never took back. Taejah didn't understand what he saw in her to make him lucky, but she knows she was lucky to have stopped on those stairs that night. She missed those looks and those walks, his smile and laughter, his hugs and kisses, and she knows she'll never forget them.

On February 14, 2015, at the age of fourteen years old, Taejah lost her dad forever. It was hard – it still is. She sometimes wonders if he would like who she is today, where she is, and if he'd be proud of her. She chooses to believe he would be because he only ever showed support for her. Sometimes, she still cries because she misses him so much and that's never going to change. She's convinced that she's the only one in the family who still cries. She's okay with it though because it can only mean two things; she just loves him that much or she can't move on and never will. Either way, it's progress from where she started.