Tabidaque

NINE

Finding cracks in stone
Is easy for those who know
where to look
And easier for those strong enough to pry inside.

Heart pounding face fizzing this is pain this is death this is the end—

"Luirlan."

Why is she here? I haven't done it, haven't given in, have I? She only comes when I let the darkness take over and I've controlled it, it hasn't taken over, has it?

Do words count as violence now? It was my voice, my words, not hers, she wouldn't...

"Luirlan, I am proud of you for following the smuggler, but you have to learn to get along."

She sounds like she's chiding a child who's forgotten how to play nicely. It's her fault I'm this way. Her fault.

But she's proud.

I can't see her, but I feel her fingers tracing my neck, the place where Susaka Alfa carved her mark. It tinges at her touch. The scar must be deep.

"Do you know what we're going to do next?"

"Cross the sea," I reply. "Go to Sviros."

"And when you get there? Do you have a plan?"

I don't answer immediately. Until now, I had only thought of escaping. Never once considered what would happen if I actually managed it.

"I want you to leave these people as soon as you get there."

This surprises me. Leave Chiqu and the others? Well, it's not as if I would have stayed with them very long, but I know nothing of Sviros. I don't know if I would understand anything once I got there.

"Don't let her trick you, Luirlan. You are above trusting any of these people. They're just like you. Outcasts, who would slit your throat without a second thought if the opportunity arose." Her voice is getting colder and I know she can see my thoughts. She sees everything, down to what is hidden even to me.

"Remember what happened the last time when you took your life into your own hands. You broke it." I feel the cold, bony fingers close around my neck, nails pricking my throat. "And I'm helping you fix it. Don't even think about letting me go."

The way she says it, I know I couldn't, even if I wanted to. Agreeing to her deal was a price I will pay for the rest of my life and will continue to pay even after my death. She will never leave.

Dread settles over me when I open my eyes. It's not from the throbbing pain that radiates from the cuts in my face, but because I know what happens next. What happens after Mara visits me. I'm not even alone this time.

None of the others are awake, and I sit in the darkness, searching for something that will keep my mind blank until we start moving again. I need to move. Why won't they wake up? How long has it been since we stopped?

I notice my hands are trembling, sweat beading on my palms despite the chilly breeze. My heart is racing, I can feel it throbbing in my chest, my breathing short and quick. All of this from anticipation. What is she doing to me?

Tiny black spots appear in my vision, and there's a sharp stab in my gut. I think something is gnawing on my insides, fighting for a way out. Perhaps she put it there. Whatever it is, the pain is blinding and spreads through my whole body. One day it will burrow out of my stomach and leave a gaping hole. Maybe I'll even catch a glimpse of it before it scuttles away and leaves me to bleed out.