My journal I guess

Relatable

I guess I'll start writing in this thing people will see. Why did I even decide to write this? Maybe so that people can relate to me? Yeah that! But why though? I'm not relatable. I'm an 11, soon 12, year-old with autism, depression, PTSD and anxiety. I'm a gay FtM trans male who has problems in sport. I'm not even remotely relatable.

What is being relatable anyways? People find your life or experiences similar to theirs? No one's lives are the same except for basic white girls and chads. Everyone is different whether it's good or bad, and for me it's bad. I'm going to complain about stuff that isn't even that bad. My life is perfect. So that must mean that I'm the problem.

I'm the imperfection that is ruining other people's lives. I'm the one being so messed up that I can even screw up perfection. I should just shut up and let people live their lives. Why do I keep getting into fights that I know I can't win? Why am I so egotistical that I've convinced myself that I can make other people's lives better? Why am I alive?

Being suicidal, that's relatable! Infant in 2016
2'886 people died due to suicide in Australia! That's a fun fact you now know. Why did I say that was a fun fact? That's suicide! I shouldn't joke about suicide it's a sensitive subject. Why am I so stupid! I should just kill myself! No wait now people will think I have problems, I promise I don't! I'm just a regular relatable kid who needs to die! Nothing is wrong I swear I'm not weird! Please don't hate me!

Sorry about that tangent. You must think I'm egotistical. Maybe I should be more like a pigeon! Did you know that Nikola Tesla was I love with a pigeon? Maybe if I was a pigeon someone would love me! Also, pigeons are actually really smart! They understand space and time! That's so cool!

Another thing, do humans love other humans? If we're all just looking for love then why aren't we all adjust ourselves to fit the other half or halves. Everyone involved in a relationship should fix themselves to fit the other person or people in the relationship. If you want someone to love you then look for it instead of complaining about it online! I probably just don't understand the complexity of romance. I mean I am just a kid.

It's easy for me to complain about things that I do not understand since I don't understand most things. My thinking is said to be different from others. That's another reason why I'm not relatable. I think of most people's thinking like a box. You can think inside the box which is the thinking of the majority of people, but others think outside the box. Something that they don't tell you is that outside the box is another box. I chose to examine both boxes since when I chose to escape these boxes I am considered an outcast and an abomination to the human race. So I will write down some of the things I think of in here. A place where I can safely publish my thinking. Where the hateful comments make me cry...

^ That was a long paragraph... I should probably not type all of my thoughts. After all, when I last let my feelings out I was sent to the hospital. I should explain...

On December 13th 2020, I had a disagreement with my grandmother over whether or not I was worth something. I thought that I wasn't, but she made me feel bad for feeling bad. So I proceeded to enter my room and overthink things. I felt uneasy o I grabbed a bat for safety and built a wall around me out of random things I found. My sibling, Sage, came in to show me something only to find me scared in the corner of my bed holding a bat. They went to go find my mother. Whilst they were gone I started to see shadowy figures come in and hurt me. I was in pain. My mother came in and I was freaking out. She tried miserably to try and calm me down but by that time I started to scream. She went and called an ambulance. While she was gone from my room I started to feel a lot of pain so I wanted it to end, I wanted my life to end. The paramedics showed up and I stopped screaming in fear that they would hate me. I can't remember much after that...

So after that incident, I have decided to stop showing as many emotions because every time I do I only cause others around me stress although I don't know why. My mother keeps on saying that I need to be nice to her because I gave her so much stress. I don't know why she did that since I was the one who felt suicidal. Shouldn't parental figures care about their offspring's health and safety when they're physical or mental health is in danger?

So I suppose that is the end of my boring writing. I should stop this because the vast majority of people won't relate to it. I am unrelatable and therefore unimportant. My life holds no meaning so it doesn't matter what I do with it. I can do what I want and no one would care! So I suppose I'll keep writing in this. Heck, it's actually making me feel better! I am such a loser! Well, uh, to anyone who is reading this, I hope you have a good day!