My journal I guess

I should probably get out of hibernation

Hello. I haven't posted here in a while because honestly I was too distracted.

I recently moved schools and honestly it's great. The bullying at my old school started to get physical so I had to leave. I did get a boyfriend named Percy tho and that's great! I have also made a few friends.

Speaking of friends tho I apologise but I will start to vent more. When I moved to my new school my old friends started to distance themselves from me. At first I thought that 'hey this is to be expected as you are not at the same school anymore' but then it felt worse. I never heard from them and when I did text them they never responded. I eventually started to do things that I now understand is very toxic. I would occasionally leave groupchats just to see if they would re invite me. I would be reinvited eventually but never by those who went to my old school. I started to feel really bad because I realised that I now care about them but they don't care about me. I didn't like that so I tried to create a situation where it would be reasonable for me to stop being friends with them. I just couldn't give them the reason of just 'oh I just care about you guys more and that hurts me'

Eventually a situation arose. It wasn't a big fight and looking back at it I don't think that I even cared that much about what they said. I just needed an excuse to get out. I was talking to them because they were all online at once and I decided to start venting to them. Then one of my friends did that thing where you are uncomfortable with how someone is expressing their emotions so you just say something worse in response. This made me feel slightly upset but it seemed like a good enough excuse for me to leave. So, I said 'goodbye' or 'I don't like you guys' or something along those lines, and left. I blocked all of their accounts and that was done. I was now without a lot of my friends.

I now can't help but stress about this situation because I know that if anyone else were to hear it then I would sound like a douchebag and I agree. I know that it is a shitty thing to do but I couldn't handle the knowledge that I cared so much about someone and that they just didn't feel the same. I guess it's like how people start to be rude to their exes if they broke up. I am now starting to regret this decision because I sadly still care about them a great deal. And I still really want to be friends with them but I know that that would just make me feel worse.

It sucks because I know that they did nothing wrong. I know that I was the asshole in that situation. I know that maybe I should've just asked to hang out a lot more or talked to them a lot more. All they did was become distant with someone who is distant. And I still can't seem to convince myself to hate them because I've never hated them. I know that I would feel a lot better if I just thought 'oh they were in the wrong just because I don't like them as people'. But I can't seem to do things that help my mental health can I? That's probably why I stopped taking my anti depressants for a while. If I just feel bad enough then everything else will seem great in comparison. Or perhaps I will finally have the ability to do the whole self murder thing because I'm just too attached to life at the moment.

Anyways my mental health is still at a reasonable level if you could believe that. I may even live till adulthood at this rate. It's less that I am inlove with living it's more that I fear the pain of death. I wish to die to escape the mental pain but the physical pain of dying would be to terrible for me to handle.

Anyways hopefully I will remember to write more often. I'm not mentally stable enough to go on hiatus's without people worrying about me making my demise not so eventual. I do hope that anyone who reads this is seeing this as a bad mental health day and not a good one. Because if you do see this as a fantasy then I hope that you get better soon. Goodbye and have a good morning afternoon or evening and have much better friendship maintenance skills then I do.