Musings 27 Dec 2020

Online Musings

This post may be a bit long and rambling as I put down some musings. I apologize in advance.So I watched a movie on Disney+ tonight called Soul and wow it had quite the impact. The story is a guy named Joe gets what he always dreamed of just before he dies and ends up in the Great Before. There he meets a soul called Soul 22 who has never lived and has not interest in going to Earth to have a life. A mix-up happens and Soul 22 ends up in Joe's body while Joe ends up in a cat. As that cat Joe sees Soul 22 experience life in his body and enjoys this thing called life. It's a great movie and I recommend everyone watch. No, go, you can read this afterwards.

So while I was watching there is a part where Joe sees "lost souls" people who are so obsessed on one thing they disconnect to the rest of their life. I admit that made me wonder about my life. I thought have I become so obsessed in being a published, therefor professional, writer? Have I lost the sense of wonder of the creative process and the joy of writing itself? Then Joe later in the movie begins to see that it's the little things that make up a life, not just the dreams we all have-the so-called purpose in life. That part made me realize that I have focused on trying to get in a better financial position so I can provide for my kids that I failed to live life like be excited with the kids when they play in the playground. Maybe look up at the sky and stargaze, I used to do that all the time and just love the moment. I haven't done that in a while, may too long.I am in a desperate situation. I need to find a way to prevent a foreclosure on my home. I am so behind on it because I had to quit school after I left my last job. I have been dealing with this for a few years, but this year it really hit me. One of the few positives on the lockdown this year is that the bank has extended a suspension on having to make payments giving me more time to figure something out. I have been so intent on getting some writing thing done because it feels like a quick fix to my issues. As a result I lost the joy of the process itself. Writing is a way to get my thoughts and ideas down. To share them with myself in the future and anyone who reads them in the meantime. Lately it feels more like a chore I have to do to get done so I can improve my life. Watching that move made me realize that maybe I have been looking at writing all wrong, and I shouldn't be so focused in my desperation. I want to enjoy writing again, not feel like I have to do it to survive.I have so many ideas that I came up with this year and I always stop myself from writing them down. I always convince myself that no on will care or be interested so why bother. I have really struggled with it and now I think I know why. Writing was my go to in collecting my thoughts-yes like I'm doing now actually-and I need to get back to that. Maybe just writing to put stuff down and not put so much pressure on myself will finally get the creative juices flowing. Who knows. I hope so