Hang On Tight

PART 3.

I came back from the meeting with Can Bey utterly baffled by my own actions. I went there to confront him, and left in agreement to become his personal secretary.

Demir was up by the time I got back home, waiting for me to come and cook lunch.
I stepped into the kitchen while he was reading the newspaper, as he looked up and froze.
"Why are you dressed like that?" He asked partially confused partially angered.
"Oh, that? I was in a hurry I just grabbed the first thing I found in my closet." I quickly replied. A complete fabrication of the truth.
"Do you need money for new clothes? We can certainly afford it now. We've been doing well in the past few months, maybe you can go shopping and get yourself few appropriate outfits."
"And what's so inappropriate about what I'm wearing now?"
"You're a married woman." He folded the newspaper in half and got up in anger.
I've never seen any type of jealously coming from Demir before. When you come to think about it, I never really gave him a reason to be jealous or insecure about our marriage.

By nighttime, Demir seemed to calm down a little. We watched the evening news on the brown old leather sofa in our living room, my head nestled against his chest. I closed my eyes and dozed off- this day has been mentally draining for me.
I was awakened by Demir's clumsy fingers playing with my ponytail.
Great. It's Tuesday night.
He grabbed my hand and pointed to the stairs with an awkward head gesture. I followed him, completely exhausted and uneager to fulfill my marital duties.
I laid on my back as he undressed me, pulling my nightgown halfway up.
He slowly penetrated me, breathing a heavy sigh of relief as if he just climbed the Everest. I was lying there unphased, closing my eyes and quietly moaning.
It was part of the routine.
Demir never realized that I wasn't even remotely satisfied, he was completely unaware. He was too occupied with making the most of those four (sometimes three) glorious minutes of our less than exciting missionary position and it was more than enough for him, as he always fell into a deep sleep moments after a single round and finishing inside me.
It's not that I was suffering, not at all. I wasn't in any physical pain whatsoever. But I wasn't in any pleasure either. Sometimes it's more painful to be deprived of pleasure as I later grew to learn.
His sweaty body heavily positioned over my restless petite frame, it took few moments for him to finally roll over to his side of the bed as I headed towards the shower. Again, we had our routine.

I let the hot water wash away yet another mandatory encounter with my husband, feeling guilty and blaming myself for not being able to enjoy. I didn't know any better, but I knew it doesn't have to be like that... Something was missing in my life, I just couldn't figure out what it was.
As I was scrubbing down my body, paying close attention to my breathing, I closed my eyes and started rewinding the events of that very morning. More precisely, my unusual brush with Can Bey in his office. I was mesmerized by his confidence and charisma. How could he be so certain I'd accept his job offering? Why did he close the door behind us? Why did he sit on his desk so close to me? Why did he make my hands tremble? Why am I thinking about this now... I shook my head from side to side, in a failed attempt to kick him out of my thoughts, but I couldn't. It was stronger than me. I thought about every perfect feature on his face, his sculpted nose and piercing eyes, his voice... His commanding voice. My breathing got heavier and heavier, a wave of hot flashes took over my body all the way down to my toes.
What am I doing?! I'm a married woman for God's sake. A married woman. Bound to Demir by our faith, by the sacred oath we made to each other 6 years ago.
A sense of sadness took over me, sadness mixed with disappointment and guilt.
I have to get rid of these sinful thoughts and focus on my marriage to Demir. He does not deserve this. I made a promise to myself to never think about Can Bey again, to never let him consume my mind even if it meant quitting a job I haven't even started.

I went to sleep next to my husband Demir, praying to God that he will never find out about my wicked thoughts about my Boss. For the first time in years, I didn't dream. Not even a single dream. As if my unconscious mind was turned off, taking the time to cleanse the soul and reset.
Tomorrow is a new day.