what we do best

part fifteen

Tris wasn't in school the next day.

I knew what had happened before anyone told me, of course. As much as Tristan loves mystery, I loved answers more. And I knew the answer before I asked the question.

When I walked out of the school on Monday, I didn't know where I was going. I never really did. I always wound up with Tristan. And that's what happened again. I walked through his backyard and in through his back sliding door. Penny and Julie don't seem the least bit surprised to see me. Their tear-stained cheeks smile sadly at me. I let them hold me like Tristan did.

+++

On the day Tristan was buried, Julie pulls me aside, says she wants to explain some things to me.

"It wasn't your fault, Ollie," is the first thing she says. I nod, even though it isn't true. "Tristan makes people his whole world. It was his dad, then it was you. When he loses them, he loses his whole world."

"But he didn't lose me. I just needed a break," I tell her. Part of me thinks I'm telling Tristan instead.

"He thought he had lost you. He thought it wouldn't be the same. It's just how he's wired," Julie pulls me into her arms and rubs my back. I didn't know I was crying. "But I want to thank you."

"For what?"

"When Tristan had you, he was at his absolute best. He knew what life was again. Oh, Ollie. How much he loved you. Thank you for letting him know how to live again," Julie is nearly holding me up. My knees are weak, and my head is spinning. "I found this in his room. I didn't read it, but I thought you should have it."

A folded piece of paper with my name scrawled across the top. Ollie.

"Come back to the house when the service is over. Go to his room. Let yourself have him again," Julie holds my hand and walks me back to the plot where my first love would be buried next to his father.

Tristan's house feels too tight. The air has thickened. Josh and Addie stray from their usual bickering and disappear to their opposite corners of the house. I make my way to his room, the creaking of the stairs on the fourth step reminding me that this was not my home. Tristan had probably grown used to the creak.

Someone had dusted his room and made the bed. This makes me unreasonably angry. Tristan was insistent on never making his bed, because he was just going to sleep in it and mess up the sheets again. The fairy lights strung along his window were unplugged. I plug them back in and sit in the ledge. It takes me a minute, but I wedge the window open and climb onto the roof.

I unfold the note and my heart twists at his handwriting.

Ollie,

Hello, love. I'm really sorry. I leave you knowing that we never got closure, but I hope this is closure enough. You were my first, and only love. I didn't leave because of you, please know that. Things were a little hard. Things have always been hard. It will be easier. I don't know your beliefs on afterlife or religion or anything, but I believe we're always somewhere. And I'll always be with you, if you want me to. I ask that you forgive me. That's all. And keep loving. Oliver Simmons, there's so much I don't know about you. But I hope one day I'll see you again, and you can tell me everything. Ollie, before I wrote this, I read all the reasons you loved me. Now I'm going to tell you all the reasons I love you.

I love how you need answers. And I love giving them to you. I love how you'll walk with me anywhere, because walking is what we do best. I love your smile and how you laugh at my dumb jokes. I love how you take care of Zoey, keep caring for her. I love how when you wear my sweatshirts, they practically eat you up. I love how that, when you hug me, your body fits perfectly into mine. And our hands fit together, like they were meant to. Goodness, I'll miss you.

There are countless other reasons why I love you, but I don't have enough paper. Tell Zoey I hope her boyfriend keeps giving her the homework answers and I loved eating pancakes with her. Tell your dad that when I see him again, he's going to get the shit kicked out of him. The star that fell from my ceiling should still be on my desk Something tells me you resented the fact that I never put it back up Oh, Ollie. I love you so much. Make the world a great place See you eventually, love.

I climb back through the window into Tristan's room. I wrap myself in his sheets, not caring that they're getting messed up, because I know he wouldn't care. I don't think I ever fully understood Tristan. There were things he would never tell me. His mind was his own, and I only got to see a small part of it.

As promised, the plastic star rests on top of school textbooks and unfinished homework. I hold it to my chest.

My heart hurts.