I want to be more, more than what todays society told me to be. I want to be pretty in my own personal way, I want to be able to feel pretty. I don't want to struggle with myself. I don't want to have this constant feeling not to deserve to eat because I am to fat. I want to be smart. I want to be exiting and funny. I don't want to be this broken girl, so I hide. I hide under this mask, showing the world I am happy and self-confident, and they believe. I don't want to let other people make me to something I am not. I want to be myself I want to be happy, because I deserve it. I made mistakes in life, but everyone did. I feel like you can trust no one because with the time they leave or use the trust you offered them, everything you ever were scared about to tell comes out and you can't control your own personal stuff anymore because it seems like everyone else knows everything about you before you do it yourself. I don't want that. I don't want to be an open book, even though am not. The open book they think is just the book I gave them to distract them from the real story, the real me. I can't be myself, not anymore. When you saw the cruel and awful sides of living you don't get out being the same person as before. You are different now. You can be stronger, suffered much of lost, changed or all of it. But something I at least thought to have learned during lifetime is, that the only person you're born with and you'll die with is yourself. But in the past year I was losing faith in that thought too. I was starting to lose myself; it didn't feel any more like I was actually alive, I just kept going, you know to keep the mask up I created years ago. The truth is I am lost, I am lost in all that thoughts in my head, they are all against each other, they are against me, against my existence. I don't want to die, I don't want to live, right now I just want to know who I am. I am so young and feel like I felt so much pain that I am drowning in all that pain in my heart. This bitch in my head is telling me that I doesn't deserve it, the good things in life, that I doesn't deserve it to live. It started being my own voice, but after everything other people told me, from my family and closest friends to people I've never seen before, it turned into their voice into all that things they said to me while taking my last air away. Why? Why does all the trust I give get used, why can't I be appreciated? I don't need everyone to like me but as much as a broke up hurts, being alone with yourself, especially when you feel like you are constantly drowning in your own thoughts, is way worst.
