YOUR NAME ENGRAVED HEREIN: THE TRUTH UNTOLD

THE TRUTH UNTOLD : PT. 1

"Would you like to come up and have a drink?" Chang Jia Han asked.

When I saw him outside the pub earlier, a mirage of emotions suddenly burst from within. Feelings; some familiar, some unnamed came out all of a sudden. It took all my will power to calm my shaking body.

Of the 30 years we didn't see each other I pushed his memories at the very back of my own mind, locked it and threw the key away. He succeeded then, he won't fail now, will he?

I shook my head and smiled, "maybe next time."

"Goodnight." A'Han bids.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight." As we say the word back and forth a huge Ball floats in my mind's eye, "Good Night, my Love".

Goodnight? Will I have one? I watched as A' Han climbed the stairs to his accommodations. As their distance became longer, his form becomes smaller.

He turned around and walked away. He took a deep breath. I silently cursed myself. I am being a coward. Again!

He fisted his pants and drag his feet. He needs to get away fast. He needs to reinforce the walls he built 30 years ago.

I didn't reach far. Someone tapped me from behind. Chang Jia Han was smiling like a kid who wanted to ask for some candy but afraid to be scolded.

I heaved a silent sigh and asked," what's the matter?"

"I want to walk with you a bit more."

His smile was expectant and I didn't have the heart to turn him down. So I agreed with OK. His eyes instantly brightened and walked with him.

As they walk the paved streets of a foreign land he can't stop himself from wandering through the past.

30 years ago

He was just transferred to WITT HIGHSCHOOL. It was 1987 and Martial Law was just lifted. In the years to come, he would blame his dad for enrolling him in this school.

Father Oliver, the school's priest and band instructor wanted to train their mind and body. So he arranged for everyone to have swimming lessons.

The pool was wide and deep. He was about to dive again when he felt someone beside him. He didn't notice him earlier when he swam a lap. His mind is like a labyrinth where one could easily get lost. So he was always distracted.

Their eyes met and the boy smiled.

"Did you just transfer here?" His voice was deep and mesmerizing. The kind of voice that makes a heroine's heart skip in the movies.

He considered not responding but mentally chided himself. He'll lose nothing if he makes acquaintances.

"Class H, Liberal Studies."

"Class A, 11th Grade, Science Studies."

Time passes by quickly. Because of that chance encounter, A' Han and I became inseparable. We were the best of friends. Partners in crime, even. He just didn't know when their feelings changed.

When the President died, anyone who would pay their respects was given a day off. They took this chance to visit Taipei and fool around.

They were kids given free rein. After attending the funeral they went sightseeing.

"MARRIAGE IS A HUMAN RIGHT."

"HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT A DISEASE!"

Those words were written on a placard. The man holding them was wearing a wedding gown fit for a woman.

Men came charging and dragged the man away. Somewhere in his heart, he felt anger he never felt before. He was about to stop them when Jia Han's arm snaked through his body.

"Stop! They were plainclothes police!"

"What are they doing?! What's wrong with him?!"

A'Han held onto him tightly. Even when he calmed down, his heart was beating angrily fast. He didn't understand what the man did. Why was he dragged like a common criminal? Is he a mental patient or someone who has a contagious disease?

After the long day and excitement, they settled in a dingy KTV. They ate and drank silently, energy depleted. Tired, he closed his eyes and drifted. He didn't notice how long he was out and was awakened by hot breaths fanning his face. He knew what was going on but did not want to move. A'Han's lips slightly brushed with his. If not for the staff that came in, he has no idea what could have happened.

When did he start looking at Chang Jia Han differently? Was it that time he stopped him from saving a junior being bullied by his friends? Was it when he, Birdy, looked at those soulful eyes after he jumped from the balcony? When they lost the Military Song Competition, he was angry and Ban Ban, a girl from the junior class, got to him first. He heard A ' Han cursed so hard the devils from hell will be proud. He wanted to follow him but decided not to. It was for the best.

Sometimes, no matter how resolute a person is a devil works harder. Tempting him with that one thing you are avoiding. It came when A' Han was lying prone on his bed. He was facing to his left. He was so precious when sleeping as if nothing can wake him from his dream.

When was it? Was it on that summer before the semester started? Before they met Banban? It was the last piece of straw, the last thread of sanity he had. He removed his shirt, covered the sleeping form, locked their hands, their face inches, no, a hair's breadth apart.

He wants to caress his face or shower him with kisses. Afraid of waking him up he instead watch him. He etched every edge and curve of his face. He noticed the way his lids would quiver and his mouth would pout whenever he was deep in his slumber. What was he dreaming? Was he dreaming of him?

I glanced at the man walking beside me. He aged well. His skin grew a bit darker than before. His tall yet crooked nose was placed nicely at the centre of his face. His eyes were deep and gentle and smile even if his lips didn't. His smiles were sincere, sometimes mischievous.

When did A' Han start to have feelings for him? Was it when he snuck into his bunk every night with walnuts, test papers or just his mere presence? Did he think he was deliberately doing things for him, like in a courtship?

People often mistake his impulsiveness with heroism. They think that he does it out of piety. Truth is it's just impulse and hot bloodedness. Was that the reason he was drawn to him?

He liked him that time, 30 years ago. He may not know for sure when it started but he did like him. But he was afraid, afraid for both of them. He didn't mind being called "Queer", he's weird enough. What worries him is what Chang Jia Han would feel. Their family was a devout catholic. His father has high hopes for him. They were in a time when Homosexuality was sacrilegious.

He's not blind or a stone. He knew that both of them were falling deeper than the pool where they first met. Ban Ban was the first line of defence and did not work. He tried protecting A' Han's pride by having a relationship.

To be continued.