Letters to You

Dear guy who thinks I like him

First of all, I actually don't like you.

I actually kind of hate you, to be honest.

Let me catch you up on this boy.

So, he moved here with his sister, and he's not ugly or anything but he's not really anything special.

Except he's talented. Like, honestly and truly talented as a singer and musician and yeah, he's good.

I admit that. That's what has me in this mess.

So, he posts music on soundcloud. I tell him it's good once and a while (back then anyway) but then again, so did my friends. It wasn't a big deal.

He's two years older than me too.

I barely knew him. I thought he was an average looking good singer that could pull off beanies.

That was literally what I called him in my head.

So, my friend asks me in a game of truth or dare that if he asked me out, what I would say.

I told her, "I mean I guess. He's not really my type but he's a good musician and that's cool," so yeah, most girls would agree, okay.

Then, she decides to make sure everyone knows that I supposedly like this kid.

Her tutor was his best friend, and she always said that I "liked him" and went crazy and all this stuff and most of the time, it was literal bullshit that she pulled from her ass.

Then, whenever we see him on the street, she would yell, "OMG LOOK WHO IT IS." And I was super embarrassed because she was making this huge deal and he already thought I was a major loser and I was super pissed.

I always told her to be quiet, and I really just ignored it.

Then, I had the talent show for my school. I wanted to do a duet with a guy, and so I asked LITERALLY EVERY GUY WOULD COULD SING. They all said no, or they were already committed to something else.

Bummer, right?

Then, my friend pushed me to ask this guy.

So I sent him a long Facebook message about how I know it might embarrass him and I'm a loser and you probably think I'm obsessed but the truth is I really just need a partner for this talent show. I totally get it if you don't want to. I just thought I'd ask.

That's literally all I said.

Then, he messaged me back and asks what day it is and such and such, and then I tell him that and he asks me to meet him at the beach where him and his friends were so that we could talk about it.

I had my doubts, but I went because I thought I didn't have much to lose.

They ran away the minute I got close.

Then, my friend informed me after being tutored that they were going to water balloon me. Apparently he told them not to. My hero.

So I was pretty upset and just left it alone.

I didn't even talk I him after that.

Then, my friend who mouse calls him whenever he's near tells me that all his friends and he hates me because he thinks that I like him and that I'm obsessed and annoying and all that.

What really pisses me off the most though, is that before the talent show, I asked if he wanted to hang out with me and my friend once, and he said he didn't want to. So, my friend took my phone and messaged him this huge spiel about how he shouldn't be a loser and should come hang out.

I looked pathetic.

I feel pathetic.

I don't even like this guy and I have no idea how to express this into words anymore.

I'm just so upset about it, because I'm a little anxiety prone and when I know that people hate me, it bothers me. I may even hate the person, but I don't know it just bothers me if they hate me.

I'm one of those people.

The thing is, I know there's not much I can do to change the fact that he thinks I'm absolutely insane. I get it.

I just don't know how to fix this mess.

I sometimes think that if maybe I were skinner or prettier that it wouldn't be as big of a deal.

I think guys are just really embarrassed by the fact that the ugly fat girl may like them. (EVEN THOUGH I DONT, WHICH IS THE WORST PART.)

I've been depressed before, and stuff like this was the kinds of this that would send me over the edge a lot.

I think my boys is actually immune to overdose, too. That kinda scares me.

Im not even all that depressed anymore. I stopped self harming, and I haven't really cried in a while. I'm normally a very happy person on the outside.

I just have this way of looking at life in a sad way. I guess it's because I grew up in a difficult life.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm spoiled as all fück, I just had a rough childhood.

My parents were never my parents. My mother didn't want me. my grandparents constantly fight and hit and bombard me.

I'm never really good enough and that sucks because I'm pretty self conscious as it is.

And on top of that all, I'm really obese and ugly. I got bullied a lot. I still do occasionally.

I write and sing and act because I can either pour my emotions out, or pretend I'm someone else and forget about them.

Everyday life kind of sucks.

You see? I started out really angry and now I'm all depressing again.

I don't really mean to be, I just get flustered.

Music has always been my outlet. My family constantly makes fun of me for always having music playing, even when I can't hear while I blow dry my hair.

If just helps me. It was always safe, and secure. It was reliable to me, and I just wrapped myself in its security blanket and sucked my thumb when things got difficult.

I don't deal with difficult situations well, and maybe that's my problem.

Anyways, the main point is, I never liked this dude, and it actually really hurts me by the fact that he hates me and feels disgusted because he thinks I like him. I'm hurt because he is really kind of a douche and I let it get to me.

I'm mad because no matter how hard I try, my so called friend is someone I need.

I try to just end our friendship, but I lack an amount of female friends, and sometimes I just need someone to laugh about vaginas with.

Or cry about vaginas because periods suck some serious cookie.

What I'm trying my very best to say is, I'm an ugly ass hoe with weight issues that disgusts every guy who thinks that I like them.

That's the moral, and its a fücking depressing one.

However it's true.

Before I get all upset, I'm going to wash my face and drown myself in All Time Low.

A disgustingly awful,

Me