Writing down emotions with Kai

Envy

    envy: late in the night when u sneak into the kitchen careful not to wake up ur family you make hit chocolate and sit on the counter the moon seems like a gentle deity shinning on you thru the windows and reflecting off the countertop and sinks full of dirty dishes meant to be washed for another day like a pond reflecting lights in the harsh, merciless night filled with danger lurking in every corner. You reminisce about the good times with ur friends or family and realizing how amazing they are,how you look like a plain rock amongst diamonds in the rough. naturally beautiful and so beautifully jagged and expensive and uncommon to find yet you're so lucky to be surrounded by them while you are the only one who's so common to find,weirdly jagged to make sharp edges enough to cut through skin so easily and covered in mud, dirt and will almost always be found being thrown around,kicked or hit. They seem like rare gems and you are the dirt surrounding them. you envy them so much yet you can't bring ur heart to be mad at someone so naturally beautiful and rare. You can't bring out any emotions to shoot at them because none of the things you envy are their fault. So you try to become them. pressure constantly on you crushing you with expectations you hold yourself to being too high. You work so hard you never try to take yourself in favor of becoming a gem like them. To be worth something like them to be,to be them. Polishing your jagged,sharp edges to be a smooth surface like a polished marble countertop. You try to change everything. Cutting off a part of yourself completely throwing that part of yourself leaving it to rot with the rotten food, animals and mud. You try so hard and eventually you do become a gem but the others seem not so satisfied. They expect more and more. Their expectations going higher and putting  mount Everest herself to shame. They want to cut you until you're in perfect shape,small, beautifu,shiny and most importantly elegant. So you try harder and harder. Going to extreme amount of pressure,losing sleep in place of cutting and putting yourself together to see which is the most perfect cut to make to make you an elegant gem. You want to live up tto their expectations but you are just a rock turned diamond so what's a little bit of pressure right? so you cut off all ur rough  edges and smooth them. You spend hundreds of sleepless nights sketching what cut would do the trick and when you finally found it and did the cut,you felt empty, devoid of any happiness you were promised. you were supposed to be feeling happy but why don't you feel it? unexpectedly you had fulfilled their expectations though you question day and night if making all those cuts and smoothing and shining was worth feeling empty. you feel like someone has ripped away ur sense of emotion,put the never ending hole in there. you ponder if all those years wasted on making the perfect person was worth it. you start questioning everything and you remember when