RESENT ME

1. To have loved and lost

September 26, 2015

As he walked back to his hotel room, Louis couldn't help but feel at peace. With only a month left in the tour before the hiatus, he felt closer to freedom than he had in a long time.

In only one short month he'd be free of the constant game of hiding he and Harry had been playing with the public since 2011.

In one month he'd be able to have Harry with no Modest, Eleanor, and Simon to come between them. At least, he'd be free of them for 18 months. He couldn't wait.

He turned the corner of the hall and before he knew it he was standing in front of the hotel room he shared with Harry. Louis took the keycard from his wallet and unlocked the door.

As he entered the room he immediately noticed that Harry was not perched at the door to greet him like he normally was when Louis returned, but instead, he was sitting on the bed with his head in his hands, facing towards the small window in the hotel room.

Harry didn't even lift his head when Louis entered.

Louis felt a little bit of panic at the unexpected reaction, or lack thereof, to Louis's return. "It's been a long day" he reminded himself in attempts to calm his tension, "he's probably just tired"

Nonetheless, he marched slowly over to where Harry was, and calmly sat beside the younger boy on the bed.

Louis' immediate attempt to console Harry was to intertwine their fingers, as he had gotten in the practice of doing whenever either of them was stressed the past four years.

He went to place his hand inside of Harry's but the moment their hands touched, Harry pulls his away.

This is Harry's first acknowledgment of Louis since he walked in and it is exactly when Louis knows, nothing is alright.

"Haz?" Louis speaks slowly, almost as if he's scared of speaking too quickly and scaring Harry away.

After a moment of horrendous silence, Harry responds with an even more horrendous reply.

"I can't do this anymore."

Louis feels his heart plummet to his stomach. He silently begs Harry to look at him, to reassure him with his eyes that nothing he is saying has anything to do with Louis.

"Can't do what baby?" He replies, struggling to hide the panic in his voice and failing to stop the crack at the end of the sentence.

Finally, Harry looks at him.

Harry's eyes are sad and full of emotion. But the emotion they hold is in no way reassuring. His eyes are pained and sorrowful, but even worse, they are calm. Harry's eyes are calm as he tells Louis the last thing he would ever want to hear.

"This. Us, the tour, interviews, meetings, Lou all of it." Harry confirms Louis's greatest nightmares.

"Hazza you can't be serious" Louis is starting to feel the anger that he wishes wouldn't ever show itself directed towards Harry. But this isn't his Harry. This is the Harry that Louis has become familiar with lately, the Harry Louis wished and prayed he would be able to get rid of during the hiatus. The Harry that comes home late after nights full of drinking to argue with Louis over things he can't control.

He knows management has been hard, of course, he does. But he had always been certain that he and Harry could get through it. Recently, Harry has not been as sure.

And apparently today he has made the final decision.

"I am serious. dead serious." Harry says, his eyes hardening into a look of determination and anger. "I can't keep pretending when we're in public and I can't fucking stand seeing you out with her one more time," Harry tells Louis.