Is This True Love? Kuroo x reader

Not Talking

           I've been trying to avoid Kuroo for the past month.....Why You may ask?.... because I'm afraid of feeling love whatever that may be. I'm afraid of the unknown and what's to come after loving someone. I'm scared of loving someone so much that I would do anything for them, I'm afraid that they will hurt me and leave me for the garbage truck to come. I'm afraid that I won't be able to bounce back if something happens to someone that I love so much.

I was cheated on.....my first-ever relationship shame on me. Shame on me for thinking that someone would ever love me how my family/friends do. Shame on me for thinking that people really care about you...but they just use people and let them rot in hell after hurting them. Shame on me for thinking that everything is okay, okay that I'm not able to talk about my personal love life, or even talk about my feelings in general without getting mad, pissed off, sad, depressed.... Shame on me for not taking better care of myself. Shame on me for putting all my eggs in one basket thinking they would do the same. That was selfish...selfish of me to assume.

Shame on me for letting myself fall through the cracks.Getting behind in life because I was caught up in the moment, not thinking about how things would play out.

"I am a thinker, not a follower"

I-...I let that down...I was just going through something I wasn't really ready for. I rushed, I followed others, I let people peer pressure me into doing a lot of things I wasn't really ready for.

Damn me for not thinking about my decision all the way through. Regretting things I've done in the past, people say "don't regret it, just do better" or "we all learn from our mistakes".....That's not all true, I regret a lot of things I've done. I've tried to forget them...obviously, I'm dumb to think that I could just forget about it. Im dumb to think that people will like me for me. Im dumb to think that people actually care for other people. Im dumb to think that love one day is real. Im dumb to think that being in a "relationship" is for me. I was so dumb, so immature, so gullible so...stupid.

Maybe if I didn't make that same mistake

Maybe if I didn't even any make mistakes

If I didn't think like a fucking five-year-old

If I wasn't so fucking gullible

So naive to the point where I thought people would be okay with the "real me"

So fucking stupid to think that if I told someone about my personal life they would comfort me and tell me it's okay.

I guess I was being too "dramatic", "too self-centered" to care about my well-being. I was always worried about others. I always asked people "hey how are you, Hey how are you doing, I hope you get better soon" I was always concerned about everyone asking if they were okay but never once asked myself if I was....okay-

I want to leave all that behind.... I want to end my...

Sadly life doesn't work like that.

Life doesn't just stop when something bad happens

It keeps going

And so should I

You were writing on your laptop, that was the only way you were able to let out some of your emotions, by writing, so only you would know no one else....no one else can see you...your pain...your feelings.. and your sadness. You hate showing your feelings or emotions because that's how people take advantage of you, you let them in, they hurt you and manipulate you. Been there done that. You're not going to make that mistake again. Over and over again you were hurt, manipulated, peer pressured, mentally abused, bullied, and let your guard down, not again will you do that, caught up in the moment. Not thinking about how this will affect you in the future. Not being the real you because no one wants to see the "real you" meaning that they just wanna see the fake you, the happy you, the pretty you, the one with makeup, the confident one, the skinny one, the one that has long hair, the one who doesn't have acne, the one who doesn't care what people say, the one who doesn't show any other emotions other than happy, the one who doesn't have their own opinion and agrees to anything, the one who doesn't stick up for themselves...The one who isn't real.

You wipe your tears away and close your laptop, you stand up and go to the bathroom. You turn on the shower and get in, you let the tears stream down your face as you wash your hair under the water. You can't even feel the hot water anymore, everything is numb now. You can't even think straight. You let yourself cry knowing that no one will hear you so you feel safe to know that you're alone in your home. After your long shower, you dry your hair and get dressed. You look in the mirror and you look like shit your eyes are red and puffy. You walk to your closet and grab your school uniform which you hate. You put it on and fix your tye, you walk over to your desk mirror and start to fix your eye bags and puffy eyes with makeup because at this point nothing will cover it up. After fixing your face you walk downstairs and feed Neko. Of course, he misses Kuroo. "I know baby," you say petting him. You walk over to your kitchen and make yourself some tea, "This the first time in a while that im eating something" you thought as you look at the cup of tea sitting on the counter across from you. 

10 minutes go by and your sitting at your kitchen table staring down at your cup of tea "Im not even hungry" you say standing up and grabbing your bag.

You grab your bag and say by to Neko who just watched you the whole time confused as to why your leaving, you leave your house and walk to your car not noticing that there were tears streaming down your face. You get into your car and look at the mirror "Oh shit" you said wiping your face "What's wrong with me" you said trying to fix the messed-up makeup on your face. After a few minutes of cleaning your face, you take a deep breath.

*your thoughts*

It's okay y/n 

Just breathe

One more day and you can relax 

Don't lose your cool just breathe

You turn on your car and head to school......