REPTILIA

REPTILIA - 01

Nothing tears you apart more than losing someone you love. I guess them dying would hurt more, but that pain remains the same.. I believe.. alive or not.

I had many run-ins with people who I found to be my one true love, maybe I don't even know what love is.. maybe I do and I have so much to give. I know I have repressed traumas that probably steer me this way, but I have loved harder than anyone I have ever known. Perhaps one stormy day that will be my downfall.

Pissing myself off with such a pitiful internal monologue I got up. It was about 3 a.m., at this time I figured it was best to make some coffee. How else to fix a sleep schedule? I don't crash for another 4 more hours, might as well get ahead.

I shuffled out of my bed, grabbed my pack of cigarettes off my bedside table, and headed downstairs to my kitchen. I was in a tiny apartment. Standard stuff, upstairs was a bedroom fixed with a full bed, bedside table, dresser, desk, and a personal bathroom. Mediocre closet, but it was enough. Downstairs directly to the left was the living room, behind that was the kitchen. Yeah, I had roommates in the other rooms adjacent and down another flight of stairs.. they were always busy, couldn't care less about them and vice versa. I made my way to my coffee pot and started a few cups of a hazelnut roast. I sat at the kitchen table as it heated up and just wallowed in my self-pity.

I got really hyper-sexual the past year, had a lot of.. well.. bedroom visitors. People I couldn't give much thought to anymore. Forgot a few that I saw even last week. It's always the same thing. Fuck, leave, never talk to them again. It's been only men, too, quite a lot lately. It brings myself to tears almost. No pleasure out of it either. Am I doing it to feel something? I think I'm past that point by now. It's a routine at this point.

Some time passed as I mulled over the past year. I was jolted by silence, the dripping of the coffee stopped. I got up and fixed my cup of coffee in the dark. I pulled a cigarette out and brought my coffee out to the balcony with me. I rested my cup of the edge and lit my cigarette. With every puff I felt dread. Tomorrow is going to be another day—where nothing in my life changes.. where I do the same shit.

I have maybe two friends... and they're busy with work. It was a break after all, you'd think capitalism would need a break too but, it seems not. I contemplated reaching out to them but I was on a two week streak of being alone, why not keep it up?

There goes that drive again.. or rather that tickle in my throat.. the need for human touch.. I decided to slide my cold fingers around my phone and hop onto Popular Dating App #1 to see my choices on the menu.

Am I asking for this every time I do it? Do I approach these people with sex in mind.. and therefore.. zone them myself instead of trying something different? Is that the kicker to the situation? Should I.. should I attempt to really date this time?

I checked up on some matches that accumulated since yesterday. There's an edgy guy that caught my eye. Kid goes by "Matt" and is looking for someone to take to a concert tomorrow. I'm probably too late for that offer, but it sounds like a real date.. maybe that's my time to pounce? Start a new chapter?

Who am I kidding? This shit doesn't get fixed over one cup of coffee. I pursue it anyway.

username22: hey hot stuff

Starting off strong. I got an immediate response.. must be up now..

matt182: hot stuff?? haha, you're the hot one!!

Here we go again, it's hard not to just spit out my intentions.

username22: no way!! so, this concert.. what is it? who are you trying to see??

matt182: yes way! and this concert is for an underground band, local, it's going to be at a co-op party on campus.

username22: oh sick! local is cool, so are they a punk band or..???

matt182: yeah they're punk, are you interested??

username22: im interested as long as ur involved, haha

matt182: really??? sweet! gimmie ur number and i'll text you tomorrow?? ill meet you there?? here's the address: 2231 jamison st in the big building with the mural out front. ill wave my hands like an idiot when i see you!

I gave him my number and closed my phone, I heard a vibration and assumed it was him  making sure it was me. I took a deep breath and waited a few minutes to respond. It was him and I shoved some fake interest and interaction his way, he ate it up. I know I should attempt to change my ways, but I'm already so bored, lost, and completely over the entire interaction. What's the worst part of it all? He's cute, he's really cute.

My cigarette was at it's end and I couldn't feel the coffee hitting at all. Despite being almost done with it I was more tired than ever. I dumped it off the edge of the balcony and put my cigarette butt out. I went inside and dropped my cup off in the sink. I slowly made my way upstairs and passed out as soon as I hit my bed.

My last fleeting thought was that deep down I hoped tomorrow might change me in some way.

I think it's the first time I'm nervous for a date.