Tales of Mischief and Magic: A Collection of Marauders Oneshots

Oh Deer

Hope you guys enjoyed your holidays!

This oneshot is going to be centered around (you guessed it)- puns. Some of them are going to be funny, most of them will be cringy... but I had a lot of fun writing this, and I hope you enjoy! :)

Oh and shoutout to Brystal_Granger and SvallabhS for inspiring me to write this, you guys are awesome

Anyway, here we go! This will also be shorter than usual btw, I might edit it later if I come up with more puns but most likely I'll just leave it as it is

"Howl you doing, Sirius?" asked Remus Lupin one night in the common room, stretching his lanky arms. It had been a long, boring day, but there was still a good stack of homework left unfinished on the sturdy wooden table standing between the Marauders.

Sirius Black yawned. "I'm so tired, I could just sleep like a dog."

"Your hair is a rat's nest," noted Peter Pettigrew.

"Grrreat. I guess I'll go shower then," said Sirius, getting up from his seat.

"Pawsome," responded Remus without looking up.

"Don't return until you're squeaky clean."

"And make sure to shut the Dumble-door behind you," added James Potter.

After a moment of silence, Peter grinned. "I can hear his footsteps petering out," he said.

"Well, let's get started on that Transfiguration essay now," said Remus, getting out a fresh roll of parchment. "Re-mus get some stuff done." (Get it? Re-mus? We must? Okay, that was bad lol)

"Sure," agreed James. "Where, wolf?"

Remus groaned. "Fur your information, it's right in front of you."

"Aha. There, wolf," finished Peter.

"Shouldn't we wait for Sirius first, doe?"

"Nah, guess what?" said a voice behind them. "I'm Black now."

James snorted so hard at the pun that he accidentally knocked over their inkwell, splattering thick, jet-black liquid all over the table.

"Oh deer."

"Rats."

"Are you actually serious right now?" asked Lily Evans, looking up from the long essay she was writing nearly on a piece of parchment.

"I'm not Sirius, I'm James. He's Sirius."

"Yeah, I'm always Sirius."

Peter laughed, and then turned his attention to the nearly-blank parchment in front of him. "Remus, do you know what we're supposed to do here?" he asked, frowning slightly.

"I'm a-were," responded Remus, a slight smile on his face. "To be frank, we really need to get this work done."

"You're not Frank, I'm Frank," interrupted Frank Longbottom from the other side of the common room.

"Exact-lily," agreed Lily.

James snorted. "Lily, you're a-doe-rable."

"And you're endeering."

"I'm simply staggered to hear that."

"No problem, sweethart," said Lily.

"A blossoming relationship, eh?" asked Remus, smiling. "I'm rooting for both of you."

"A budding romance," added Peter with a shy grin.

"Stop it with the flower puns, you two," said Lily, blushing slightly. "That's my job."

Remus noticed that she didn't say anything about the relationship part, but he decided to keep quiet.

"You guys are Riddikulus," said Sirius.

"I'm not Riddikulus, I'm Peter," said Peter.

"Doggone it. You know what I meant."

"Well, alice we're not as bad as you are," spoke up Alice, who was sitting next to Frank.

"How do I ever get stuff done around you guys?" asked Remus tiredly, rubbing his eyes.

"Can we just skip this assignment?" asked Peter, groaning. "I'll just pretend I forgot or something. Don't rat me out."

"No way, you know McGonagall. She'll get catty."

"If anything's off even a whisker, she'll know," added James. "Just do it. Buck up."

"Don't you guys ever run out of puns to make?" asked Lily, sighing.

"Of course not, deer. Sometimes it's hard to think of them, doe."

"Very funny," she answered, rolling her eyes.

The corner of James's mouth twitched. "Very fawny indeed."

Lily simply looked at him for a few seconds, trying to figure out what he had done.

"Oh, you dolt," she said when it finally hit her.

James looked up at her innocently, his hazel eyes wide behind his round glasses. "A doe-lt, huh?"

Lily realized her mistake a little too late and groaned. "Just shut up, Potter."

"Oh, don't be starting a roe now," grinned Remus.

"It's not my fault!" complained James. "Everything I say, she automatically opposes."

"I do not!" responded Lily instantly.

James spread his hands in frustration and looked to the others. "What did I just say?"

Shaking her head, Lily stood up from the comfortable scarlet armchair and gathered her things. "I'm going to bed."

"Good night," said Sirius.

"Squeak tight," said Peter.

"Don't let the werewolves bite," said Remus.

A few seconds later, the loud crash of a door slamming echoed down the staircase leading to the girls' dormitory, followed by peals of laughter from the four Marauders sitting by the roaring Gryffindor fire.

"Well, I think that went rather well," chortled James, wiping his eyes.

"Fur sure," agreed Sirius, and the Marauders erupted once more into laughter.