The Degradation (translation)

Chapter 13.4

"Each of his tears is like torture for me. It breaks me from the inside out. I can't watch him cry. His eyes are not made for tears, they are made for smiles."

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Louis' pov

I knew he couldn't do it. I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew it would be hard for him to admit defeat, but... But I would like him to react differently. It's Sunday night and I haven't seen him since we fell asleep together on Friday. He just disappeared. As always.

After I woke up, I lay in his bed for another three hours before I realized he wasn't coming back. He probably needs to be alone... I'm even a little disappointed. But no, I'm not disappointed, I'm just hurt. I was hoping we'd get through this together. I wanted him to understand that I would always be there for him and that I wasn't going to leave. I know if I were in his shoes, I'd want to be alone, too. But it's stronger than me, I can't help but worry about him. I hate it when he feels bad. He stopped answering my emails, and I wanted to call him. But I never did. I don't know. It's not us. We've never called each other before, and I'm not going to do it now. It's stupid, because a simple phone call that could calm me down, but ... no. It seems too strange. And if he doesn't answer my texts, it's because he doesn't want to talk, and I don't want to force him. But right now, I really need to talk to him. Ask him how he's doing, just to keep from going crazy. Sitting on my bed with my computer in my lap, I look at the last email I sent. «33». I sent it back at noon, and still haven't received a response. I hesitate for a few seconds before I start typing.

«I don't know if you'll answer, but I just wanted to say...»

That Friday night was one of the best nights of my life. I liked the restaurant you took me to. I liked how jealous I was of the waitress because you mean so much to me. I loved the way you held my hand and hugged me. I liked our pancakes, despite the fact that the seller ran out of chocolate chips. I enjoyed smoking with you, watching Bastard play in the garden. I loved every moment I spent with you. I loved falling asleep in your arms. So... here. Even though you weren't there when I woke up, I don't want you to be mad at yourself. Because I'm not angry. I liked it, and I still like spending time with you. And... and I know that one day you'll be there when I open my eyes, and I don't care how long it takes, because... Because I love being with you, Harry.

«...thanks for the toothbrush.»

I sigh, looking at the screen. I didn't have the courage. I chickened out at the last moment. What difference would it make if I told him how I felt? He's not around anyway. He won't be able to answer me. I suddenly feel sad and... and I want to cry. What the hell is wrong with me? There's probably been too much going on lately. I want to cry at the realization that he's in pain, and that I can't help because of the fatigue, his silence, the exams, the pain. I'm going to lose my temper. I need to lose my temper. I start thinking about Samantha and him, and how I'd feel if I were in his shoes. If I'd lost him the way he'd lost her. If I'd fallen asleep in his arms, not knowing it would be the last time. Just thinking about it makes the tears roll down my cheeks, and I don't try to stop them. Did he get a call to report her death? How did he react? What if I got a call one day to say he was gone? What would I do? My heart is getting tighter. I would have fainted. My stomach clenches uncomfortably. I know it's all in my head, but I can feel it again. This fear that something will happen to him.

«I need you.»

I don't even know why I wrote him this, because he won't answer, but... I need him. Now. I need him to calm me down, to get these terrible thoughts out of my head. I don't want to think about it anymore. I need to be in his hands. I need his presence. Only he didn't show up for a few days. I no longer have the energy to wait for an answer that won't come, so I turn off the computer, setting it on the floor before curling up on the bed. I have no idea what came over me. I've never cried like this before. I've never felt so bad. I barely have time to try to calm down when my phone starts ringing. His name flashes on the screen, and I start to cry even harder. I can hardly speak when I pick up the phone.