Planet XO

Esh #1

Esh knew nobody would ever understand the part of her she hid behind the guise of a regular sixteen-year-old girl. She hated that it would slip out sometimes, despite her best attempts to contain it. Like the time she was so enthralled by the smell of popcorn that she forgot to panic when her mother collapsed from a seizure while waiting in line to catch a movie. Or the time she calmly pushed a boy out of a moving bus when he called her a pet. Esh wasn't sure if she feared such moments or lived for them. Moments when she felt she was truly herself. They were as liberating as they were threatening. Both those feelings filled her mind yet again, as she faced her parents to tell them what she had successfully hidden from them ever since she was six.

Even at the age of six, she had known that she was different. Watching her parents, friends and characters in movies had given her a good idea of how she was supposed to feel in different situations. But she rarely felt what she was supposed to feel. It was always something else. Something she didn't know how to share with others because she knew they didn't feel the same way. She could tell from their faces and their mannerisms. She had always been good at reading what others are feeling just by looking at them. She didn't always know the names of the emotions and feelings she identified in people around her, but she knew they were different from what she would feel in the same situations.

"Mom, why are you crying?" she had asked when their pet dog, Grey, had died. He had been an eleven-year-old husky, named after the colour of his coat. She had been a nine-year-old girl, named after the Innuit fire-spirit that her family worshipped. Nine. An age by which a girl was expected to feel sad at the loss of a canine companion she had grown up with since birth. But Esh knew what she felt wasn't called sadness. Curiosity maybe, or even excitement at witnessing something she had only read about before. But it was not sadness. It took her a whole month to miss Grey. A month she had spent obsessing about the idea of death and finding out everything she could about it. Her mom had reasoned with her dad that obsessing about death was their daughter's way of dealing with her grief. Grief she was sure her daughter felt. Esh had been happy to help her mom keep up that impression of her daughter. She had even joined her mom in shedding silent tears for Grey a few times in the coming weeks. She hadn't really felt like crying, but she knew it would make her mom feel better to know that her daughter was sad enough to cry. She had found the way her mother's love functioned funny even during the charade but by that age, she was experienced enough to not let her amusement show. She didn't know if she loved her mom. Love was one of the feelings she was yet to decipher. But she definitely cared enough to put on a show if it made her mom happy. That's what made it so hard to do what she was planning to do now. She knew it would make her mom sad. Even her dad. But she needed their explicit and legally binding permission to enrol in the astronaut training program for the first-ever manned mission to Planet XO. I wish I didn't care about hurting them! She reigned in that thought as quickly as it had slipped out.

"Mom, Dad, I have to tell you something that will upset you," she announced her presence with a warning as she entered the living room. She had always talked straight with her parents. Straight, not necessarily the truth. Her mom was grading end-term papers of her students. The only part of her job as a teacher at the Boston Force School that she hated. Her dad was reading a book. 'There's No Such Thing as an Ordinary Forceling', a self-help book Esh had hated after reading just the first page. Another book that spoke of how magical it is that human beings, born in flesh and blood, could control the very forces of nature that drive the entire universe. Another book that made forcelings feel accomplished, feel superior, just by having been born. But that's not why Esh hated the book. She hated how it was her own dad who was reading it, agreeing with it and probably propagating its message among his drinking buddies during their weekly get-togethers. It was yet another reminder of her dad's irreparable disappointment at having a daughter who couldn't manipulate a force. "But you are an ordinary forceling, dad. What extraordinary thing have you ever done in life?" she had yelled at him in anger. The same anger that now threatened to boil over into the conversation she was planning to have with her parents. Step 1: Take a deep breath, she reminded herself of the 4 steps to control her anger. Step 2: Notice the exact colour of 5 things in your surroundings. Scarlet – the carpet that covered the space between where she stood and where her parents sat, Steel-grey – the large couch that stood at the right edge of the carpet, Ebony – the bookshelf which had no reason being there except that her primitive dad preferred books made of paper over their digital counterparts, Dark-brown – the rosewood tea table next to her dad, Orange – the study desk behind which her mom sat. Step 3: Notice 3 scents you can recognize. Esh took another deep breath. Lemongrass - the air freshener her mom never forgot to spray as soon as she got home, Yuk – she couldn't think of any other name for the stink of her mother's socks which was the smell the air freshener was supposed to hide and Books – the strong smell of old books from the bookshelf. She felt calmer already. Step 4: Notice 2 sounds around you. Esh listened intently. It's so damn quiet! She looked around to spot something that may be a potential source of any sound. Nothing. The perks of having a dad who worked as a top-tier bureaucrat within the government. It was the only reason they could afford living in a rich neighbourhood that was tucked away in a posh gated community, far from all the city traffic. Both her parents had their eyes on her now. She could see the eagerness and anxiety on their faces as clearly as the wrinkles around their eyes. Seeing her standing silently, her dad put down his book on the table and turned his chair to face her. It was his way of saying, Go on! You have my attention. But in that act, he had given her a break. One, she counted, as she heard his chair squeak. A few more seconds passed. Two, she breathed a sigh of relief as she heard her mom flip the page. She had gone back to grading her papers. Esh felt that her anger had subsided enough for her to have a proper conversation with her parents now. The 4 steps always worked. She had learnt the trick from Beth, one of her friends at school who had slowly abandoned their friendship after learning that Esh was a pet. In fact, Beth had moved to Boston Force School where she had become her mom's favourite student for a couple of years. Her mom avoided talking about Beth in front of Esh, knowing that it would hurt her daughter. But Esh knew how her mom felt about Beth anyway. Her parents could never hide much from Esh, especially if she were determined to find out.