My Shifting Journey (beginners journal)

1/8/21

1:56am

I've only tried to shift once since the last time I wrote. It was yesterday actually. I've been in this pattern with myself. I'll fall asleep at a decent time (8:30-9:30), and sleep all the way until around 1 or 12, and lay awake for hours.

Yesterday when it happened, I decided to take it as a sign, and attempt a shift. It was super last minute which is why I didn't write before. I honestly had no motivation, but I had nothing else to do. I didn't feel any symptoms at all, If anything I was hoping something would happen, but I definitely wasn't expecting something to happen. It didn't work of course. Which is okay, it's not my time.

I get frustrated when I see people on shift tok talking about all the amazing things they've done in their DR's while i'm over here not even getting my symptoms.

I don't think i've ever really talked about why exactly I decided to shift. I mean, I started seeing tik toks in June of 2020, more than half a year ago. It took a long time before I decided I believed shifting. And even when I believed it, I knew that when it worked for me, I would be too physically attatched to Hogwarts to leave. It would break my heart and I knew it. I tried once, and after it failed I decided I didn't want to try anymore.

But I have this Hiraeth. This homesickness for hogwarts and the people there. It's a feeling that rips my soul apart from the inside out. I've felt it for a long time, and coming to senses with it was the best thing that could happen to me.

I honestly don't even know if I still want to become one with the harry potter universe. I mean, my life at home isn't bad to leave it forever. I honestly get emotional about leaving my family everytime I attempt a shift. I mean, i'm not sure how long i'll be away, but I scripted that time here will stop when I enter my DR, so they won't even know I was gone.

I've talked to my sister about shifting before, I needed someone to talk to. She of course didn't believe it, and i'm wondering if she put negative energy into the universe, which is why i'm having trouble.

Maybe she'll think I was sleep talking that night, and completely forget about what I told her, so the universe won't be stopped by the doubting.

I'll admit, I have my doubts. But they aren't really doubts about shifting. They're doubts about myself. I mean, i'm worried that I will never reach the full potential that the universe requires to shift, and I know that will break my heart more than having to leave hogwarts.