Chapter 6: Memories
Unlike the first well, this well didn't take me to the other dimension as quick as the first one did. I had my eyes closed, I was sure. I was also sure that I had held my breath. However, I wasn't losing my consciousness. I could see a glint of light from afar, and it's coming closer. Was it? Or was I the one moving closer to it?
My mom came to view. Suddenly, I forgot the feeling of losing my memories of her. My mom was really far away from us. Our parents were working abroad. I had to be independent. That's what I became, ever since they had left us. I had an older brother, but we didn't take care of each other. I couldn't recall how things turned out that way between us.
Suddenly I hear my own voice coming from somewhere, but not from myself, asking,
"Is it lonesome? Are you sad?"
I had thought before that I was strong. People thought that I was handling things too well. For a grade schooler to show no pity for herself even when her parents had separated and left her alone with an indifferent brother, I was surely perceived as a superhuman.
However, I loved my mother. She loved me too. I wasn't sure about my dad, though. He had a new family of his own. He had neglected us. But he continued to force me to take on courses that I didn't like, and move with him when I didn't want to.
I disliked him for failing in his one job that I could ask from him--being my father.
Even so, I still wanted to have a complete family. I wanted to have a family picture to display at home. I never wanted to be labeled as one among those whose families are broken. And I was tired... so tired of trying to feign bravery and indifference. I was so exhausted of trying to act like a matured person. I wanted to act my age for once, and whine and scold my parents, and tell them that we need an explanation. What did we do wrong?
I had friends. My friends were great. They had a nice family picture hanging in their rooms. I loved them and their families, and somehow I slowly hated myself--and my family. Why did my life turn out this way?
What did I do wrong?
I wept. After many, many years of trying to be cool, strong, and understanding, I broke down. I broke down and thought that life wasn't worth it anymore.
"Are you sad?"
I heard my own voice asking me once more. I was merely seeing my own life from an outsider's point of view. And as I watched myself breaking down right in front of me, I felt my own cold tears fall from my eyes as well.
My throat was hurting.
"I..." I managed to say. "I am... so sad..."
It was the first time that I admitted it. Though nobody was listening but my own self, I was glad that I had finally said it.
The image diverted from my broken self to the decorations in our neighborhood. I became aware that it's the Christmas season. I felt even more lonely at the realization.
It's almost Christmas.
I want my mom to come home. I want to celebrate it with everyone. I want to be with my family.
Will it ever happen...?
I decided that those would never happen, and I would be in sorrow again. That's why I... That's why...
What did I do to myself?
