heavenly ✓

𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 27

♡︎𝚘𝚙𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚊'𝚜 𝚙𝚘𝚟♡︎

After calling my parents and having an hour long conversation while telling them of me moving for a year, also my break up, leaving the reason out, and thankfully they didn't push it.
i' m scared i'll never be able to talk about it.

What if i never get over him, it's been 2 weeks and i still cry all night.
what if i continue to wake up everyday of my fucking life and want him so badly that my bones shake so much like they'll feel like they're going to break?

What if i keep waiting for a call or a text or a sign from God that never comes?

What if you were the one but i wasn't?

Shaking my head i grabbed my keys and started my car, i was heading towards amar's. She sent me the address yesterday, i wanted to see her before i go away and won't be back until a few months. I am going in the summer so i can move in and probably have some time for my self.

i pulled up at her house. it was small one story home that looked so homey with a small garden full of flower in front of it. i knocked on the door and she opened it welcoming me and hugging me.

The sight of her made me feel like i'm about to cry, but from how much my pillow was soaked today morning, i am impressed i still have tears.

"oh honey, you look awful" she said sadly making me laugh.

"yeah I know, I've been packing and stuff" and aslo remembering your grandson.

"i'm going to deeply miss you, but i swear if you don't call me i'll throw my shoe that it hit you in France"

"i'd never forget calling you amar"

"neither will i forget him" i wasn't intending on letting that slip.

she sighed "fuck them motherfucking poor excuse of a fucked up fucker. ahe didn't deserve you"

"and kid, you gotta love yourself. You've got to wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drawing in the darkness of the dawn. You've got to sit next to the man at the train station who's reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You've got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you've got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You've got to stop taking everything so goddamn personally. Ypu're not the moon kissing the black sky. You've got to compliment someone's crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You've got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won't matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up on Sunday. You've got to stop overthinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. you've got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. fuck it. love yourself kiddo. you got to love yourself. "

once amar finished i was a sobbing mess as she hugged me, trying to calm me but i was too deep in to stop. he was too deep in my mind to leave.

" you're never going to forget him. you're always going to love the color of his eyes, and you're always going to search for someone with the same contagious laugh. you're never going to fully get over him. you're going to have those nights when all the regret and pain come rushing back. you're going to miss him with all your heart.
But you're going to be okay. "

" i wasn't good enough for him to choose me amar, you know... i wouldn't choose me either. " i mumbled sadly.

"you're a walking fire ophelia. Every boy dreams of touching and only a man deserves to get a burn. remember that."

"i love you" i said truthfully.

"i love you too honey. Don't forget to stay safe and find your sparkle again. be happy ophelia. always be happy." i nodded my head collecting my stuff since it got late and i should go home.

"if you were soulmates, you'd find your way to each other in the future. maybe the universe isn't ready for your love right now." she said tearing up herself.

"goodbye amar, i'll make sure to call you and visit whenever i can. i promise" i hugged her again before heading home.

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I showered, finished packing and made something to eat while talking to Elodie through FaceTime for about an hour or so. I tried my best to give her the reactions she wanted when she talked about her relationship with Lucas. But i was feeling numb. And i guess that's better, at least no pain for a while.

I hung up with Elodie than headed to my bed, hoping it won't be a long night where i stay up thinking why wasn't it me? what did I do wrong? where did i hurt him?

Some days i blame him,other days, i blame myself. Some days i chalk it up to us being two people who didn't work, that one of them, being me, wasn't good for the other. Some days i can't stand the thought of him, other days he's all i ever could think of. Some days i ask God to hurry and take him out of my heart,... help me fall out of love. And maybe it'll be like taht for a while- in and out of my emotions, back and forth in my mind... and maybe i should stop beating myself up because of it. I mean shit, I should know better... the healing process takes time.

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𝐢 𝐛𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐲 𝐭𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐞 𝐬𝐨 𝐛𝐚𝐝𝐥𝐲.