Issues

Ever since I was a little 'girl', I'd never felt like I could truly be me. I felt like I was being supressed into a box I just didn't fit into. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt itchy all the time, like a scratch I could never reach and I wanted nothing more than to break free from that feeling. The hair that grew from my head wasn't made for me, the clothes my mother bought for me were made for someone else, the breasts I developed when I started hitting puberty in my early teens just made me weep. All the other girls loved them, or that might have been the attention they got from the boys because of them. But I hated mine. They held me back from who I know I am.

From who I wanted desperately to be.

I tried to talk to my mother about this, but she said it was just a phase, that I'll get over it. That puberty is hard for everyone and a lot of girls go though things like this when they're body starts to change. She told me the reason I felt like I was feeling so wrong was because this is such a drastic change, that I was being seen by boys as a woman. That my body was becoming a beautiful thing.

But it sure as hell didn't feel beautiful.

I felt sick looking at myself. I wore baggy clothes as often as I could, I never wanted to try any makeup, I had my hair tied back, and often just threw a hat over it. I did all I could to make myself look as unfeminine as possible. And it worked, I felt a lot better with myself, but then the one thing that would ruin everything and remind me I am in fact a girl would come, around the same time every month.

I felt so out of touch with myself. I felt like I could never been myself. And I needed to change that. 

And that's just what I decided to do...

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"Suki?" I called out to my boyfriend, Katsuki who I think was in the kitchen getting us something to drink. I played with my long black hair as I waited for a response, a habit I'd picked up when I was nervous. I hate my long black hair...

"Kira? What is it, princess?" He called back, calling me the nickname he called me since we started dating a few years back. Princess...  "Wait, hang on I'll be there in a sec!" I then heard the sound of water being poured into a mug and the soft patter of his bear feet on the wooden floor before he came into view with two mugs in his hand. The one he always drunk his coffee in, a black mug that would light up with explosions when it was hot - one of the best gifts I've ever gotten him in my opinion.

"I really need to talk to you." I spoke, my voice coming out timid and high, god I hated the way I spoke.

"Okay, Kira, what's wrong?" He asked me, taking a sip of his coffee after he'd sat down and place the cup of tea he made me on the coffee table. He crossed his legs and turned to look at me, a smile on his face.

That smile. I love it when I see him smile...

"I love you so much, okay." I began, tears filling my eyes. I knew he was about to say it back to I held my finger up to his lips to silence him. "And, and th-that's why I-I have to go."

"I don't understand." He answered, putting his coffee down and looking at me with eyes almost like a lost puppy has, filled with sadness and confusion. I hated the fact I made him look like that.

"I-I-I'm break-breaking up with you-u."  I spoke, my tears running freely down my cheeks. I couldn't tell him I was in the wrong body, I didn't want him to think of my as a freak. I knew if I told him he wouldn't take it well. When out friend Jirou came out, he didn't take that the best way. He acted really happy for her when she told us, but I knew he was uncomfortable around her after that, I could see it in his eyes. And that was just her liking both guys and girls, how was he going to react if I told him I was born as the wrong sex? I just didn't want to deal with that kind of rejection, so I would be easier if I just ended things.