Hello, i can't tell you my name, but i'm just a little girl. i'm wearing a cute little white dress and holding a pretty pink teddy bear. i sleep while hugging him. i don't know where i got this dress from though. i never asked for anything from anyone. but it looks so cute and pure. i like it. i look like a princess....who was never noticed....
i'm in a dark room right now. clutching on to my teddy bear and my little dress. do i look cute?
someone is talking to me. i don't wanna look up. i will cry if i meet their eyes. i won't cry. i have to be a good little girl. but i can't help but look at her. she is screaming at me. what is she saying?i must have done something again. i'm sorry. can i fix it? if i leave, would u not be mad and cry?
"can't u hear me? look up you useless shit, i'm talking" she screamed at me. i looked up at her. her face is full of hatred and hurt. how do i look like?
then i felt her hand slamming on my cheek. it hurts. it's okay. i fell on my knees and touched ground. 'don't lose it. please don't lose it. you cant even cry okay?' my mind told me. i feel my ear ringing. is it bleeding? then i heard her telling me to get up and not look like a drug addict.do i look like that? i'm sorry i'm not pretty.
i slowly got up and looked at her, fighting my tears back. pleas hit me again. please scold me.
"you're worthless, look at others. you're not even one percent of them. why can't you be better?"
i'm...the leader of my class. i rank top five in my school. i am fit. i can play sports. w-what am i lacking? i should torture myself more. then i'll be good.
she hit me again. but this time my reflexes jump off and i blocked her. oh im sorry. i didn't mean to.
"bitch, you dare lift your hand for the person feeding you? is this how you pay back?"
i'm sorry...
"if you don't be better, i will leave you in the middle of a town"
it's okay...if you don't want me...i'll go there by myself...
"i should be ashamed to even give birth to you"
it's okay...would you like me to die then?
then a part of me snapped back as she turns her back to me.
"I HATE YOU!!" i screamed.
"what did you just say?" she asked, slowly turning back. "what did u just say?"
i started to cry. she...she looks scary. is she going to hurt me again?
she grabbed my arm. i felt her nails dig into my skin, like melted butter. that's leaving a scar for sure. i screamed. not for help. but just to hide my cries from her. i pulled my arm out. "how is a little thing like you so strong? and how dare you use it to defy me?" she asked.
"if you want to hit me, try again, i won't give up" i said. no way i'm going down. i have to protect myself. i saw her run to the kitchen. i feared she'd bring a knife. that's exactly what she brought. this fucking dress. i feel uncomfortable in it. i could trip if i have to fight back. she screamed some more stuff to me while swinging her hands. i chuckled. bitch, you think i care? whatever.
i shrugged and turned to leave to my room. then i felt her hand grabbing me. i suddenly felt afraid what her other hand could do to me. i grabbed a sharp pointy thing i use in my DIYs.
"stay back, you now i'm stronger and faster than you. i WILL make you blind" i told her. very slowly. part of me wondered, who am i? i'm not violent. but here i was, in a position to run or fight back.
then i saw her face go from hatred to sad. is she really hurt? no, she injured me. that reminds me. my arm. ugh. i'll treat it later, i don't feel pain.
she is calling him. who cares. i'm gonna go. i threw the pointy thing and went to room, locking it. i sank to my feet and buried my face in my hands.
who am i? what have i done? why did i hurt her? no other kid is like me. what's wrong with me? im a happy girl. why did i do that? i feel like a murderer. and i feel like im lonely. i should be good and apologize. i should be a good daughter.
i looked at my arm. i have so many scratches. they are bleeding. oh, let them bleed. i don't even care anymore. and i am bruised. my thighs are blue. my ear is still ringing. the cuts are deep. i hope i didn't hurt her. did i hurt her? i know i'm strong...did i hurt her? is she disappointed in me? does she love me? am i good enough?
i want someone next to me. please...someone? but i'll probably end up hurting them too. don't love me. no one does. i'm lonely in my room. well, i deserve this. but still, it'd be nice to have someone...
maybe if i leave...none of this would happen...you won't be disappointed...
i looked at my wrists and the balcony of my room. we didn't have a balcony where i lived before. the scenery is good, nice and calming. birds flying away. yes, fly away from me. the trees shake. and there is a little rain going on.
perfect for today.
