Looking for a safe heaven

dying

its funny how we don't see that some of us are walking corps . we just look at some one and because we see them smile we think 'yea there fine" my mother hid a lot whit a smile . and we has humans are sometimes stupid . we mostly want to believe in what we hear then what we see . for example " oh she was pushed off " when we all new she jumped . but hey if he said she jumped then i guess she did . no ones going to sand up and yell no she jumped she wanted to die , they will think he has gone mad even if them there selfs know its true .
thats how i feel sometimes you know . always hearing and believing what they say . i once even herd my dad say " Eden died" to one of his friends . that happened on the second night of my runaway , i wanted to go home and feel save then i herd it " Eden died " i was there could he not see me , no he didn't want to look at me ... he wanted to look pass me . hes one of my monsters now . a monster i thought would always save me and keep me safe . now hes hunting me . keeping me form sleeping in the dark . i wonder how it feels to sleep in the dark .. is it peaceful?
i always thought it was maybe ill ask someone , even though they will think "omg shes so gone out " or go with " are you okay ?" and then i will nod and walk away as they look at me like i escaped the luny bin witch i believe i was for if i stayed , he would put me in one just so he could say "eden died " and they will be sorry and think " wow a dead wife and a dead daughter poor man " yea poor man .
if i can say anything about my father it would be he really loved my mother and never had love for anyone else beside her , not even me . its okay though because at the end of the day its not poor me its poor him . im closer to him then her i have the same disease i cant love anybody .
i wonder if i can go to a mental hospital and be like yes im depressed and i want to die but not die , oh and i have this disease i got from my father and its like i cant love . i wonder if they would take me for that like oh hey its that girl who says she has a disease that doesn't let her love . wow I'm one fucked up person . i wonder if thats a disease to ... being one fucked up person .dad would be proud to hear me say that im one fucked up person . hes one too . i guess it fuins in the green family . talking about that i should really change my name eden green . that way eden would really be dead , how cool is that . its like magic one moment your there and then bam your not there anymore .i would like that , like that alot . but like john green said " life is not a wish granting factory " so i will not get my wish and thats okay because wishes don't come true in the real world and if they do then sorry to break it to you but your not living in the real world your still in the bobble of the world you made up . i got kicked out of mine , to mad for my own world , now thats just plan sad ! buy hey no one wants a mad man running around . i don't want t be that anymore the mad man running in his underwear . i just want to be eden . like when i was little i was just eden . but i cant im edens ghost now so booo , runway from me like the ginger bread man before i catch you and suck every hope out . if you can run . i cant run from my self but is i could trust me i would be long gone . just like every one else .maybe i will go to sleep and dream i ran away from my self or dream that im one the bench with the little boy who smiles and thinks the world is a wonderful place were nothing can be broken . yes i will dream that . that reminds me i sould really learn how to smile maybe that way i will feel less fucked up then i do at this moment right here . even my house screams fucked up person right in here . i tell you that my mother was right this is not a place for anyone not only children how come we all just run to the end of the world .