A Work In Progress

Loneliness

Hi everyone, I was trying to fall asleep tonight, listening to Ed Sheeran and Carole King and the Beatles, and i couldnt get this out of my head, so i had to write it. i dont know where to go with it, if you have any ideas, please let me know!

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Everyone feels entirely alone at some point in there existence. It is an unavoidable fact of life. People say that you are born alone and you die alone, but the truth is, there is a whole lot of alone time in between life and death.

I feel alone a lot. Obviously there were times when I didn’t, for example, at my bat mitzvah, when I had a moment to my self to just sit an eat a cookie, and revel in the fact that all of these people were here to celebrate me. Or after the Boston Patriots won the super bowl, thousands of people took to the streets of Boston to gather in the Boston Common to celebrate the victory. And there were the stereotypical times of loneliness: when I got my period on my first day at a new school, or my first night at college. But I always liked to think off myself as unusual, so some of the times that I should have felt the loneliest are when I felt the most loved and supported, like right before and after my mom died. And some of the times when people traditionally feel connected to their web of peers and friends and family, are the times I felt entirely alone in the world, like during my homecoming, or prom, or really any high school dance, or after that super bowl, when my friend James and I walked back to our dorm in complete silence after getting separated from the rest of our “group.”

I don’t really help my situation though; there are times when I could be out socializing that I prefer to spend at home watching TV. I tend to prefer a night in with Netflix or a book to going out and partying with my friends. I don’t drink, I like to say that its because I am so crazy that I act drunk even when I’m sober, but I think the truth is that I’m scared. Being intoxicated is such an absolutely vulnerable state, and one of the few times that I did drink, I felt entirely alone again, and ended up running back to my room, putting on my fairy lights and listening to my moms vinyl Tapestry by Carole King on my record player.

I think the reason that I don’t put myself out there is because it’s absolutely terrifying, and if I do fall, then I am absolutely alone. And, like everyone else, I hate being alone. When you are alone you become victim to your worst thoughts, your doubts about yourself and your friends, your worries suddenly become more real and more prevalent, and everything that you try to lock away in the little box in the back of your mind suddenly pops out like a terrifying, adult, jack-in-the-box.