Healing The Scars From The Past (BoyxBoy)

Chapter 6: The Green Stains

Chapter 6 - The Green Stains

Pic in the right is of Mike :)

All through my shift, the last advice from Federico kept spinning inside of my head. I knew my boss's words were just advices, not something I had to imply into my life, but even if the old man told me once that he didn't hold the Truth, I new better not to think twice about what he said. But how do you get to know when it is yours to make compromises, well, I didn't know. Probably Federico didn't know either. But these words, made up with all the philosophy of the old man's life had to mean something to me. Everything he told me since I asked him for advices always made sense. Yes, I could stay at my parents for one single more year. Jeez, I survived there for five years since my father disowned me. Sure I could stay there if it meant I could go to College with a scholarship as soon as I was free from high school. Sure I could wait until then before I could go on with my life and build myself one of quality instead of regretting what could have been done. But making compromises with my family... I didn't know if I could do it.

How could I go and talk with my father after all these years? I didn't want to talk to him. He disowned me as his son. He had no right to come to me and claim me as his son. No fucking way! Did speaking to him made me be obliged to go back to my childhood when he meant so much to me? Did speaking with him meant I had to come back to loving him unconditionally? Did I have to jump to his neck and hug him the way I used to do? Did it mean I had to let him kiss my pain away and forget all about it, pretending it felt better? If making compromises was something like that, well... it was not going to happen anytime soon. Maybe not ever. If it was what was expected of me, simply because I was so young, well, everybody would be disappointed. Because if I did that, I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror for the rest of my life. It would make me become the worst thing I could expect to be, a hypocrite. But thinking back about what Federico told me earlier, I remembered it was very vague. As if what he said meant that he couldn't say much more, just because he couldn't. His words were vague because he wanted me to know that even if I would have to make compromises in my life, it didn't mean to tell me exactly what I should do or not.

Federico was never making up final decisions for anybody. As he once told me, "I'm always questioning myself on what I am doing. How could I tell you what to do? I am not a Great Master of the Truth, I already told you. All I can do is to give you advices, take it or leave it, and whatever what your choice will be, if you need more advices, I'll be there if I can help. But I won't run after you to give you any advice. That's not what real friends do. They wait for you to be ready to talk to them."

Friends...

I was so into my little miserable life that I never realized that I had a friend. Okay, maybe my friend was not exactly my age, since Federico could easily be my grandfather, nor was he really a cutie to me, even if he was carrying so much charm in his eyes, but with all his good advices, his way of telling me his vision of friendship, I could tell he was slowly on his way to become my friend. Life was not just now. Because now was already in the past. But life was everything that would occur from now on. In the life I used to live, always looking in the past, all I could discover was a friend who betrayed me, a father who disowned me, a life without a friend, a life alone. If I took a look on my life as a whole, a life leading from now on, I was having a friend in Federico. Michael, who betrayed me was trying his best to make up for what he did to me. My father told me today that he was sorry for not being a good enough father. My mother... well... Oh my God! My mother... She was trying. She was trying so hard to make up for this night when she didn't soothe me... She didn't know what to do to win me back. That's why she made me go to see Dr. Kelly. I wouldn't talk to my mother. I wouldn't talk to her. I wouldn't smile... The only thing she wanted was for me to feel better and let me know she was there. Even if she didn't do it the right way, she couldn't know how to help me the good way since I never talked to her.