Death is Only the Beginning

Burned in Memory

Losing a family member never gets easier. Some may feel your pain others may not, for they still have their family members breathing the oxygen we breathe. They'll never know the tightening chest pain of heart break, breakdowns and anger that sweep through our bodies like waves.

They dont know til it hits only them.

I still remember my mother's passing. The memory stays burned into your brain forever. Almost like a scar just it takes a longer time to heal then your average. The longest two days in Cape Coral Hospital I wish I could say it was a nightmare but it wasn't.

Yet, it was, realistically.

Call 911.

"She's foaming at the mouth and can't breathe."

"Allison! Allison!"....

My dad's panicked words I still remember vaguely. Being at the hospital December 18th, 2019 was the start of the nightmare. It was terrifying seeing her asleep but not to wake up. My closest friends and boyfriend had dropped their lives for two days to be with my family and I.

But all of us had been shook up in fearing the worst.

I remembered my friends taking me home that night. My dad wanted me to go home instead of stay and watch my mom be hooked up to wires and machines. 

I didn't go to sleep til 4 am that night.

December 20th around 3 Pm...

Time had been ticking. Time was running out. Seeing my mom hooked up in wires and to machines made it so much harder to look. She was in a coma and her chances of survival weren't looking good. My friends had come and gone to say their good byes and to see her before resuming back to life.

Life.

Something that was once in my mother's eyes but was barely clinging on anymore even with them shut.

Going back inside the hospital made my stomach tighten. Even with Shane by my side it still hurt everything. I remember humming Silent Night when we all were in her room, quietly talking and murmuring amongst each other. My sisters and their family had shown up, along with my grandparents, my other grandma and my brother in law's parents.

Tears had streaked my face and my heart beat faster then normal.

Time had come as I asked for a private moment with my mother, Shane following behind me. I didn't want to be alone in that moment. My mother had only seconds of life left within her before she was gone forever.

"I love you so much mom. You were my best friend, my rock and I'll never forget that. Ever." I got the words out shakily and quietly as tears streaked my cheeks. Shane said his good byes to my mom, making a remark about how he would cheer for the Packers, even though he was a Patriot's guy.

It made me lightly smile. I knew mom could hear us deep down but it hurt more when she couldn't respond. I had gently gripped her hand in mine before hugging her body. Her breaths were getting more and more shallow.

"Good bye mom..." I whispered to her before pulling away for the very last time. Shane and I had left  the room as everyone ended back in the room saying their good byes. They knew it was time and I had been right because their expressions changed to grief and sadness.

She was gone. Forever.

I broke down silently pushing myself into Shane as his arms wrapped around me. I had barely remembered seeing his eyes get teary before then. Nurses had gone in to my mom's room but I had to look away. I could hear family members coming out quietly, some leaving and everyone else hugging and crying together.

The only one who wasn't crying was my mom's mom.

No expression of even sadness.

But I wasn't focused enough to notice right away.

My other grandma, along with my sisters gave me tight hugs. My mom's soul had left this Earth and hopefully went someplace else better. In that moment though everything went numb.

I remember glancing one last time at my mom's room which the curtains now were shut before leaving the hospital, knowing I would never see her again.

On the car ride back to Shane's my mind had numbed over. The texts from many friends who had heard about the situation were messaging me. I felt nothing. No sadness or anger. Just nothing. My whole mind had numbed itself in protection from the real emotions that were to come.

I kept looking and fiddling with the small plastic tube the nurse gave me. It was my mom's last few heartbeats. Quietness overfilled my mind as tears subconsciously found their way down my cheeks.

The five stages of grief are always there and never leave.

To see someone die is something that you never forget.

At times you wish the memory didn't exist but if it didn't...you would just somehow relive it even if you didn't remember.

The only thing that came out of my mother's death was a new start and a better outcome to life.

Death is only the beginning.