" Do you want to put her in an institution?" the question I have been dreading for years. I stood there considering the choices. I knew I was going to have to answer it soon, but it hurt me to consider. "Ma'am?"
Let's start from the beginning. It was 1999, I was 7, When mama went missing. Dad sent me to grandmothers, I was excited, I loved grandmothers. She always gave me sweets, like cookies, and ice cream. Sometimes I even helped her bake them. But this time was different, Grandmother was worried, I could see it on her face, Dad's too. I didn't know what was going on, I asked why everyone looked so sad, so worried. No one answered me, instead grandmother took me to the living room and turned on the television, distracting me from what was really going on.
They called it schizophrenia. A disorder involving a breakdown in the relationship between thought, emotion, and behavior; a withdrawal from reality. At the time I didn't know what it was, all I knew is that it made mama see the angels; she talked to them a lot. Mama and I didn't do what we used to, that year she changed. We used to play together, laugh, sing, dance, we used to go out to the park and play tag. We couldn't do that anymore, dad said mama had to stay in so she could talk to god, and tell the angels how good I was. I was mad at her, I didn't understand why we couldn't do those things anymore. I wish I would have understood. Those were the better days. The doctors prescribed her a lot of medicine, which made her very tired. She didn't come out of bed for days, and when she would, she wasn't the same.
Mama got out, She told me she was going to the bridge because the voices were too loud. I told daddy, he was distraught. When I looked at his face everything went gray, his smile had vanished, he was so worried. I didn't understand why. I thought to myself, the angels talk to Mama so that means they must have told her to go to the bridge, right?
After the episode of the Rugrats, Grandmother sent me to bed, it was only 8:15, my bedtime wasn't till 9.
" But Grandmother it-..." she stopped me, " Go to bed, and tomorrow we will go to the park". Of course I complied because I loved the park.
I couldn't sleep so I went to the kitchen to get some milk, and that's when I heard grandmother on the phone.
" Have they found her?" I couldn't hear who was on the other side, but then...
" Evelyn-" my mother's name, " -couldn't have gone too far, I will take Willow to the park tomorrow, hopefully you will find her soon. Everything is going to be okay. Love you"
Grandmother ended the call and I snuck back to my room. Why was she talking about Mama? I was worried all night.
At 9:15a.m. I woke up to the smell of bacon and biscuits, my favorite. Mama's been missing for 18 hours now, I could tell Grandmother was trying to hide how scared she was. After we finished eating, Grandmother told me to get dressed. After I returned, I saw Daddy in the living room with Grandmother. " We found her, she's okay," Grandmother looked so happy, Dad too. At that moment I knew I didn't have to worry anymore.
I told Daddy and Grandmother that I heard her on the phone last night, and I knew something was wrong with Mama. Grandmother looks at me with sympathy, " You weren't supposed to hear that Hunny. Nothing was-" Daddy interrupted her, " I think it's time to tell her." Daddy then told me to sit on the couch. " You know how Mama talks to the angels," I looked at him and nodded, " Last night when Mama got out, she was having an episode," " What's an episode?" I ask. " Well, Mama has this problem, where she hears voices in her head, like the angels. It's called schizophrenia" I looked at him confused. " schizophrenia is a disorder that makes mama sick, and last night mama was very sick. We have to keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn't do that again, it's not safe for her." Daddy continues to tell me about Mama's disorder, and that's when I knew I had to watch out for her. Mama was home now, safe and sound, and from that day forward I never left her side.
15 years later, I am home 24/7 taking care of Mama. Daddy passed away 2 years ago, a terrible car accident, he was DOA. The night I got the call I was making dinner, I remember dropping the plates on the ground, Mama thinking it was an imposter breaking in. I forced Mama in the car and rushed to the hospital. I couldn't believe what was happening. That year I was a sophomore in college, I had to drop out and go online so I could take care of Mama. I was scared to be doing it alone, but Daddy taught me everything I needed to know. The one thing Mama told Daddy before it got bad was to never put her in an institute, This was her home, her family, she didn't want to be an animal in a cage. We have stuck by her wishes, taking care of her for over 16 years now, but on October 27th, things changed.
I scheduled for an in-home nurse, to take care of Mama. It was my best friend's bachelorette party, she was getting married to a wonderful man in 4 days. I was her maid of honor, so I scheduled the nurse for 5 days, so I can attend the wedding and host her bachelorette party. I haven't spent time without Mama since Daddy died. I was a nervous wreck to leave her. On the day before the wedding, October 27th, at 7:30 p.m. I got a call. " I'm so sorry." I knew then something was wrong with Mama, " What happened is she okay?!" I asked, terrified of the answer. " I was gone for 2 minutes, getting her bath ready and-" That moment seemed to be in slow motion, " ...She's gone, I can't find her. The front door was open, I think she got out. I am so sorry."
I hung up the phone, ran out of my hotel room, and rushed over to the house. This was the third time she had gotten out since I was 7. I called the police, they all knew what was going on, and where to look. That day when I was 7 it took 18 hours to find her, she was under the bridge, delusional thinking that the police were trying to kill her. I went out to help them look, we searched in all of her spots, and she was nowhere to be found. My blood pressure skyrocketed, I began yelling at the cops. I was so stressed out. One of them made me sit down, and I began to burst out in tears. The cop gets a call on the radio, " We found her. We need back up! She's got a knife!"
" Ma'am, maybe you should stay here"
" No! I can calm her down. Where is she?"
" She's in the old brewery."
We rushed over to the old coffee shop; we all used to go there before she got sick, Dad, Mama, and I.
"Mama put the knife down."
" Willow get away from them, they are trying to hurt me!"
" Mama they aren't trying to hurt you, they are trying to help you"
" No, no they aren't"
" Get your men out of here, it's the only way to get her to calm down."
"We can't do that Ma'am, she has a knife she could hurt you or herself"
" Just do it, she won't hurt me"
The men leave and I talk Mama down, " They are gone Mama, give me the knife. Everything's okay now." She gives me the knife and I hold her as I take her out of the old coffee house. I put her in the car, locking the doors, and went over to the officer.
" I am so sorry officer."
" Do you want to put her in an institute?" he asks me.
" What? n-"
I stop before I answer, considering the choice. I think to myself, you are horrible to consider this, the one thing she wanted was to not be an animal in a cage. But this is the third time she's gotten out, she has become a danger to herself, to others. I ask myself, can I do this, the stress of her missing. Not getting to do school, see friends, fall in love. Can I really do this?
" Ma'am"
I know I shouldn't consider it, am I a horrible person to consider it. But is it for the best?
