A Love called Myra: Raj and Meera

Chapter 14

Raj

She doesn't remember. SHE DOESN'T REMEMBER. It took me a second to register that. Not a single minute of it. I was devastated. We had finally made our marriage complete and she had no idea what happened. 

I went to work today thinking about what she had murmured last night and what we had shared. I took out her hate mail or really all the mail addressed to her. I held up my envelope opener in one hand ready to open the letter from this Ram fellow. I couldn't do it. I didn't want to invade her privacy. I needed her to do this and I needed her to tell me. The story between her and Ram was bothering me but I also had to focus on work. I took all the letters addressed to her back home.

This morning when I got out of bed and she looked angelic. A soft glow was on her face as I left for work. I knew she had called but I couldn't attend to her call and I headed home a bit late too. I opened the door and heard wretching noises. She was vomiting. I think it's all the alcohol in her system. I ran up and there she was, wearing a pair of pyjamas – a real shirt and pants which I had never seen her wear before. Her hair hung loosely behind her. I put her back into the bed and I knew I needed to ask her sooner or later – "We need to talk." 

She turned her face towards me, her eyes had begun to get teary as she told me all she remembered from the night before. She thinks we came home and went to sleep. She didn't know how and why she wasn't wearing anything when she woke up. She didn't remember hugging me, kissing me, loving me... the I hate you's to the wall, saying I love you... saying his name. I asked her if she remembers kissing me and her eyes had gone big. She shook her head no the whole time. This was not good.

 I didn't know how to break it to her that we had sex yesterday night but she asked me herself.  "So we did that?" "Yes." The tears began. " Raj! Why didn't you stop me? I told you I didn't want to yet. Why?" "I asked you if you wanted to but you said to keep going, you said you were okay with all of it." "I was drunk! Did you not have the sense to say no?" "..." What was I supposed to say to that? "So you don't remember any of it?" "I don't know anything about it! How did it happen? You should've stopped me!" And another bout of crying began. I tried to be gentle with her. She was already in this terrible state.

 I'm pretty sure if I ask her about Ram right now, she'll just break. I tried to comfort her. I move closer and her eyes go big and she looks scared. I decided to let her be and went to take my shower. I came back and she's asleep. Her alcohol intake had become extremely high yesterday. I am so stupid for not stopping her. I felt sleepy too but she's sick and I don't want to disturb her. I slept on the sofa watching her at first before sleep dawned upon me.

The bag of mail will be shown to her some other time. I walked into our closet and put it on one of the shelves at the top. I decided against getting too close to her especially now that this has happened.