stupid short story that isn't important lol

e or smth idk

Sunlight peeks through the blinds, gently touching my face and warming me up. It isn't right. The little beams of light shouldn't be hitting me at all. Usually there's something in front of me, something holding me and keeping me safe. For a fraction of a second, I feel it again. Slender arms wrapped around my torso, smaller than mine yet stronger and more confident. There's no way it's actually any more protective than nothing, but it makes me feel safer. Like I can't be touched. Then the feeling leaves, taking all the comfort with it. And now the sun is too hot. I wish you were here to keep the sun off my face. 

I roll out of bed, stretching like I usually do. But that doesn't feel right either. It's too quiet. The feeling of my clothes against my skin is too overwhelming. And since when did I wear pants to bed? Or socks? Normally those would be beside the bed, thrown to the side after getting too hot in the night. And you would get out of bed and laugh, teasingly complaining about how I needed to make a solution for that. Then you would come up to me and kiss my cheek and tell me good morning, and you would button up my shirt no matter how many times I told you I could do it myself.

Where were you anyway?

Oh. 

I'm sorry for asking. I don't want to think about that anymore. I'll just ignore it.

Not waking up with you made the bed feel cold. No, not cold, it was more... empty. Because there was something that had always been there that was gone now, something I had taken for granted. Something I really missed and really wanted, like when I was a child and lost my favourite teddy that I always slept with. That was a good comparison. You always made me feel better, holding me through the night and supporting me through the day. I let you become a big part of my life, didn't I?

I don't bother eating breakfast, it won't be like the way you used to make it. It'll just make me sad.

What is there to do? I don't have a job, I usually just waited for you to come back all day. I think I'd rather go broke than leave the house though. I'm too tired.

The flowers I gave you are dying, I wish they wouldn't do that. Why does everything have to die? It's not fair. I think nice things should stick around and not leave me. Not that it's all about me, of course, but it would be wonderful if it worked that way. I could keep the flowers forever. I know I gave them to you, but you put them in that vase on the mantel where everyone could see them, and it felt like they belonged to both of us. I think we got the vase at a garage sale. Maybe a thrift shop. I remember you seeing it and pointing it out to me, asking me if we could have it. It was a pretty thing, light blue glass with painted bunnies on it. I think I kissed the top of your head and told you that I would spend all of my money on you if you wanted me to. We brought it home and you wouldn't stop thanking me, even though it wasn't a big deal at all. You were so happy. I must have been happy too, but I don't remember what that feels like anymore. I think my sense of happiness must have been crushed.

That wasn't funny, I'm sorry.

I'll talk about something else.

I made you a cup of tea today, not that you would drink it. It's more of a sentiment, like leaving a glass of wine out for Elijah. You know it'll still be there the next day, but it's the feeling of doing good that makes you do it. Besides, I never liked the kind of tea you drank anyway. It was too sweet. 

Nevertheless,

it's all I've been drinking the past few days.

But that doesn't matter, does it?

No matter how much sunlight beams into my eyes, you're still gone.

No matter how many buttons I wish you would button up for me, you're still gone.

No matter how cold I get, you're still gone.

No matter how much I starve myself, you're still gone.

No matter how many flowers I put in the vase, you're still gone.

No matter how much of your tea I drink, you're still gone.

Why did you have to leave me?

I remember, every single night, you would hold my hand and promise that you wouldn't leave. You loved me. You wanted to stay forever.

That promise died with you, didn't it?

You left me all alone with just memories and a broken heart. But I can't blame you, it wasn't your fault. It's my fault, and that makes it worse.

It's all my fault.

Remember when we bought that car? How we went to the dealership and I let you pick out which one you wanted? How your eyes lit up because the paint was such a pretty light blue?

Ah, there's no point in reminiscing. The thing's gone now. They scrapped it after the damage it took. 

You were just going to the store. Everything was normal. I said goodbye to you and kissed your cheek. But then twenty minutes passed. Thirty. Fourty. I called you and you didn't answer. At first I thought you might have been cheating on me, but then a cop showed up at our door and told me that you were dead. That you had gotten in a car crash and there was no way you could have survived.

At first I laughed. I was in shock. This couldn't be true, right? You were playing a prank on me. You would come up behind the officer any second now.

Right?

Then it settled in and I fell to pieces.

The person I loved, the only person who ever loved me, was dead. I was alone again. I had nobody and it was my fault because I didn't go with you. I killed you. I'm a murderer. I'm so, so, so sorry. 

We were going to get married! We were going to have kids, have a family! We were going to be together forever and I had to ruin it. I ruined everything.

I can't go on like this. There's nothing I can do. I don't have anyone else. Therapists are expensive and now that you aren't working I can't even pay the bills. I'm going to lose the house. And most importantly, I miss you so much that I can barely move. Everything I do just reminds me that you aren't there anymore. That I'm all alone. I can't handle this any longer. It's too much, or maybe it's too little. I don't know.

Please come back.

I love you.

I just want somebody to love me like you did, but only if that somebody is you.

I'm all alone now and I can't take it.

You were all I had.