polyester

one | Too heavy to hold, will force you to be cold

Anxiety enhanced me that night. I was restless and couldn't get myself to shut my eyes for more than ten seconds without finding something else to panic about. School officially started tomorrow and the idea of walking through those crowded hallways with the same people made my stomach preform somersaults.

Going to a private school people would immediately think that you were loaded. But it was ironic as it was the complete opposite in my case. Living in Sheffield, I had a terrible history with an abusive father. And after my mom took me in two years ago, she sent me to this boarding school. Occasionally going back for summer breaks, which were awful with her.

The only way I ended up here, was pure luck. My mother was close friends with the schools principal, and when they offered to take me in with a much lower school tuition she was more than happy to send me off. She didn't want to raise me. Of course I had no say in this, and it still is difficult everyday. Getting out of bed was already hard enough I couldn't fathom the idea of being in school without the feeling of Nausea hitting me.

I know I should be grateful for what I have, being in a rich boarding school. And I do feel guilty for hating it. But as I laid on my bed and looked outside my window, I couldn't help but think of all the things I would do if I wasn't stuck. Stuck running in this same circle, with no destination. I wanted to know who I was, what my purpose was, I wanted to get to know myself—I wanted to heal and grow. But there was no room for that.

Those same haunting whispers of my past came every night, and it exhausted me. And It was out of my control. I had no choice but to just lay there. So, I turn to look at the moon, shining so confidently. And I begin to think again: It has a purpose. To light up the night. To keep the stars and the sky company. To show us the sky.

But then I turn on my other side and check the clock only to be greeted with the same familiar number every night. Three AM, in big bold letters and I knew that if I didn't fall asleep at any moment: I would wake up even more exhausted and grumpy.

So, I wrapped the heavy blanket around my body, despite how sweaty I was—and closed my eyes tightly. And after many left and right turns and hogging of the blanket, the night lasted three seconds before the morning sun blinded my eyes.

The moment I was met with the light I realized what today was and my anxiety did not hesitate to kick in. Looking at the same clock and realizing I still had the remaining of five minutes before my alarm would go off. But that didn't stop me from quickly getting up and running around the dorm room like a maniac.

Uniform uniform uniform uniform I muttered to myself repeatedly.

The minute my eyes landed on the uniform laying on my desk chair, I immediately grabbed it and ran to the bathroom not sparing another second.

Putting on the uniform was hard enough, It was so hard to make it look presentable with the tie and the blazer and what not. Why is it that all uniforms in England have to be so formal? It was foolish to say the least. Looking at the mirror and frowning.

I looked awful.

My eye bags were visible, and my face was ghostly—pale to say the least. My once bright green eyes were dull. I looked lifeless. But I didn't have time to think about my appearance. So, without catching another glimpse of myself—I grabbed my backpack, put on my shoes on, and ran out the door.

After walking from my dorm building to the auditorium my feet were already in pain. I was surprised at how empty It was but I was even more surprised hearing a call from the phone in my pocket.

Fumbling in my pockets and pulling my phone out quickly only to be greeted with a call from my mother. It's too early for this.

"Morning mum." I greeted.

"Emilia."

I said nothing.

"I'm calling to make sure you don't forget anything." A phone call for the most imbecilic reason was the strangest way of starting the day.

"No, I haven't." I replied blankly.

The phone call screamed dry. It sounded as if we were strangers not in biological relationship.

"Right then. Good luck."  She replied quickly before ending the call.

I was glad she did. I couldn't bare having to talk to her, especially at this time. And, I was still hurt—and angry.

Right when I was about to pocket my phone, I received a text. Which I had noticed was from Amelia asking where I was, and right when I was about to type a response I was interrupted by an aggressive cough.

Hesitantly looking up from my phone, I noticed it was a supervisor. Who looked rather mad.

"What are you doing here now? Breakfast is in ten minutes." She said with a groan.

"Right." I replied and walked away awkwardly. Since when did we start the day with breakfast first?

''And put that phone away, immediately.'' I heard from behind me.

''Yes, miss.'' I answered. That woman was always terrifying.

I scurried off to the refectory and noticed Amelia from the large windows.

Walking in the refectory I had noticed that I was the last of people to arrive. And the moment I spotted Amelia in the crowd of people, I fastened my pace and walked towards her.

"Amelia!"

Suddenly, she looked up with clear confusion on her face, but then began to chuckle once she met eyes with me.

"Lord mill- you ran a marathon?"

She was obviously implying to my heavy breathing and tomato face. I jokingly shoved her shoulder, which resulted in a dramatic response from her.

"I went to the auditorium accidentally. But I was up early I promise!"

"Yeah okay mill, now show me your schedule!"

I proceeded to sit down on the empty chair across from her and began to unzip my backpack, and she did not hesitate to grab that sheet of paper the minute I took it out my backpack. She then quickly scanned through my schedule using her index finger to guide her, while I watched her with all curiosity. Is it good or bad? I wouldn't know, I was too scared to check the night before.

"Okay yes! Yes! ugh. ugh. yes! ugh."

"I heard a lot of 'yes'. So that means we still have a lot together, do you not remember how horrible last year was?"

"Please." She closed her eyes and put her palms on her face as if she was being faced with horror. "I do not want to remember the terrors of last year, especially not now."

I didn't want to remember either. I threw a chuckle before taking back my schedule from her hands and hastily placing it back in my backpack. Knowing that we had a few classes together calmed my anxiety and I felt much better having Amelia by my side.

The minute I zipped up my backpack and turned to look at her, I found myself rushing and stumbling across the building. The wind hit my face not differentiating from being in an extremely fast car with the windows down. How is she this fast in the morning?

"I'm hungry, faster!"

''How much faster amelia!''

We finally reached the buffet and it was only then she let go of my wrist. It was packed with people, and Amelia did not hesitate to befriend everyone in the line only to let us pass through.

"Hurry up."

Refectory: In the U.K, it is the place where (boarding school/university) students have their meals.