One Day

.Unconscious

"OK AM I DEAD, but these visions keep flashing over and over. Oh maybe im about to die. They said when a person is about to die his whole life flashes before his eyes. But What I see here is not my whole life flashing. There are women, a strange man mom, and dad. I'm speaking to them ,rather screaming and shouting helplessly. No one hears me, I mean I can't even hear myself.
Oh maybe I'm asleep and I'm in one of these nightmares when you want to get up but it keeps going on and on. I'm so exhausted. Please somebody wake me up. Please somebody.
Here they come again. Clearer now but fast and confusing. There I am setting on a chair mum putting stuffs on my face. God am I wearing make up ?! Oh no mum should have lost her mind, she doesn't approve it and now putting these stuffs herself on my face! There are lots of women, neighbors I guess . My aunt and Reem, yeah Reem is standing sad by the corner why is she sad ? Oh I'm crying now I'm shouting infront of all these women. Mum is calming me down. Now somebody, a man, enters the room. Women are laughing and making that Zaghreed as they do in weddings. I stare at him I look him in his eyes scornfully. God I feel hatred all over me.
OH My GOD ! I just spit on his face. He looks surprisingly sad. He takes a napkin from his pocket and cleans his face .
Now mum is talking to me "khadr believe me , this is for your good . You'll live in Sana'a. You see how other girls marry old men, but Kareem is young and educated. He is a teacher for God's sake. Believe me you would be laughing at this years from now" .
Here I am crying again. I'm begging dad please dad you can't do this to me !
"it's done " he said .

GOD I CAN'T BREATHE. I'm in pain. As if I was swimming in a stream of pain, an ocean of pain. Against the current all alone. I'm trying to reach land, to grab some air looking for any hand that could be stretched out to save me. No one. No body. It is only me and the pain .Shall I give up so the current takes me to whatever place? Shall I close my eyes and stop breathing and wait to sweet death to take me but slow death hurts, not breathing hurts, pain hurts, feeling like a sold object hurts, not belonging to human beings hurts, not having an opnion about my own life hurts, a stolen life hurts, robbed dreams, shattered future and tears ,tears hurt. They are how pain comes into a concrete thing. "

Pain, pain was my world for two weeks. Me the girl who was alive and energetic two weekes ago, became soulless and a bride to be in a couple of days. Two weeks begging and crying, screaming and shouting.
"It's done "my father said .So When I was face to face with the plain truth.When I realized that was going to happen wether I wanted it or not. When considering a second opinion wasn't an option for my family. I thougt of my second option. I thought of killing myself.

I had these birth controll bills I took from mum's closet. I swallowed them one by one and waited to be unconscious. Dizziness was the first side effect. I smiled as I became closer to death. " OK AM I DEAD. Oh but these visions ....I can't breathe. Ahhhh . ...suffocating. Here it comes. The same visions again ........"