"When people kill themselves, they think they're ending the pain, but all they're doing is passing it on to those they leave behind." - Jeannette Walls
Nobody really wants to die. You may feel like it now. But there will be a time when you're glad you didn't. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. you think you want to die but really you just want to be saved from all the pain you feel. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that those people who said they would be there for you, are no longer there. At 2:00 in the morning when you are trying to find a reason to not kill yourself and you're hoping your best friend has the solution to that. But they aren't there. Many of us fear rejection. So we keep our pain inside and refuse to tell anyone, scared that they will misjudge you. Or treat you different. I try to understand why people want
to die. But every story is different. Everybody has a story as to why they want to die, all different. But all connect in some way. It's okay to feel like you want to die. Because everybody has felt like that at least once.
7th grade||
I never knew what love looked like until I saw him. As I write this now I realize I'm over him. something I never thought I would be able to do. He had a blue plaid shirt on and black jeans. He was the new kid, every girl liked him. Especially me. But I never had the courage to approach him. Until that one day. He had a "girlfriend". She and I were very close. Until one day she started turning. she didn't like me because he broke up with her. This now sounds foolish. But he had feelings for me and she did not like that.
"Why the fuck did you tell him you hated me"
That was the message that had lit up my phone on that gloomy day. My stomach had sunk. My eyes burned and
Throat swelled at the thought. I had to hold back everything because I believed I was stronger than that. the girl and I had gotten into a heated argument. Calling names back and fourth.
"You're a whore"
"You've always been a cunt"
"Come fight me and then we will see how tough you are"
"You're a bitch and nobody likes you"
Those were just some of the rotten things thrown at me. I was mean as well. But never did I stoop to her level. I didn't go out to fight her. I knew that would be jumped if i did. I realize that so many people have it worse but saying people have it worse is like saying you can't be happy because someone else is happier.
8th||
I hated everyone. Nothing had changed. Maybe sometimes I feel a little better. But I realized I don't need friends to make myself happier. I need to do that myself. I removed everyone in my life that was holding me back from reaching what I truly wanted. Eighth grade was pretty bad. The stupid fights where people called me names. I did it back, I don't regret it. I don't think I could regret sticking up for myself. I called her so mean names as she did that to me too.
