Shae's Biggest Mistake

Chapter 1: Shae

I'm not a bad person.

I'm not a bad person. Really I'm not. I once fed a lonely cat a sandwich I'd bought with my last penny, I remember giving a homeless woman twenty-five bucks so she could but lunch—twenty-five bucks that was supposed to buy my lunch, I starved the whole day that day. I also gave my younger sister some advice about the most awkward subject I've ever had to talk about: menstruation.

But this is a worse situation, it feels quite absurd to compare it to feeding a hungry cat or teaching my sister about menstruation and menopause. This is something else entirely, this is bigger than me, bigger than my ego.

This is breaking someone's heart. I'm talking, a whole organ being emotionally broken. That's like sucking blood out of it, killing it even. That would make me a heartbreaker, a bad person.

My heart is pounding, my eyes are burning and my knees are trembling. I don't know if I can do this. A few minutes ago I'd been confident and dedicated but now as I'm seated at this local coffee shop mentally arguing if whether breaking this one specific heart is a good or a bad idea, I'm having second thoughts.

What am I even going to say?

Everything is uncertain. My vision blurs for a split moment and with a couple of heavy breathings and coffee sips I'm able to at least heal the blurs with a few blinks. It doesn't seem like it'll last for long though, I need my glasses. Plus, I haven't slept for almost two days now. College is a struggle during final exams and it's double the trouble for procrastinators like me.

The bell on top of the door rings, a new customer has entered the shop. My heartbeat thrums extra hard as I scrutinize the whole place. Sarah—the owner/manager is probably asking herself why I'm so vigilant and slightly creepy as I'm looking around as if waiting for something bad to happen. But I am waiting for something bad to happen, I'm just dreading his reaction.

Will he breakdown? Will he be confused? Will he be sad? Will he cry? Will he be angry? Will he be an asshole about it? Or will he just shrug and say, “the feeling's mutual” in a Jordan King kind of way? That's the unknown I'm terrified of, his reaction is like the mystery in a movie. I'm kinda hoping he goes for the last one, it's more Jordan and simpler.

Jordan has always been a mystery, that's what attracted me to him in the first place. He'll probably smile adorably and tell me it's okay since he feels the same way. He has been distant too for the past month so I'm hoping he'll understand.

The bell rings once more. Oh, the suspense, it's making me tense and clumsy. This time I don't dare look up from my brown coffee mug full of energizing caffeine. I can smell his cologne, that musky smell of soil and fresh air is on point. It's him, he's here.

The table suddenly feels too small, his bronze skin catches me by surprise, it's an extra shade darker today. His chocolate brown eyes are curiously searching for mine. I'm such an emotional mess, right now I feel like crying and pleading at Jordan for him to understand why I'm about to do what I'm about to do. These emotions are in a state of flux, they have no stop. I know their cycle by now. Confusion, sadness, anger and hate.

Somehow I feel like that's how Jordan will feel after this, but the last emotion will dominate the broken pieces of his heart.

Maybe I shouldn't do this?

I can just tell him I missed him or something, I can hug him, kiss him, tell him how much I appreciate this. This is probably a bad idea.

Express how you feel!

Screw you Liz, screw you to heck for making me realise how dead my and Jordan's relationship really is. If you weren't so honest and such a good best friend I probably wouldn't like you on this very moment.