Saudade: Alethia

Prologue

Saudade

(n.) a nostalgic longing for something or someone that was loved and then lost with the knowledge that it or they might never return; "a love that remains".

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

"I'm leaving," she says, not a word wasted as she looks towards the peeling paint on the walls, anything to not have to look at him. This shouldn't be feeling as hard as it was.

"Leaving? What do you mean?" He raises his eyebrows, she can tell without looking at him, it was just how he was. The confusion in his voice makes her wince, she knows she could've been a bit more straightforward, after all she had played every direction this could go in before coming here. Thousands of scenarios and scripts litter her mind, making her wonder how this would actually end.

She inhales, telling herself to pull it together. He wouldn't care anyway so why was she getting emotional? This wasn't supposed to be anything deep. "I'm moving to Australia. My flights on Sunday."

It was currently Friday. She had given him two days notice.

She can hear his sharp inhale, the way his sneakers squeak against the floors as he steps forward too quickly, as if he'd stumbled over his feet from the shock. She chances a look at his face and can feel the knot in her throat grow tighter and even harder to contain. Her eyes fog up as she thinks it isn't fair, she had promised herself she wouldn't cry.

"We should just end things here, it's better not to waste anymore of our time." Alethea says,nodding as if she's trying to convince herself more than him. She pivots on her heel, ready to leave their conversation there. He wouldn't be bothered about things ending like this anyways, relationships weren't his thing, right? This was just for fun, a couple of flings between parties to pass the time.

As she moves towards the double doors to the parking lot, the halls emptied for the day already, a hand comes forward to grasp her wrist. She jumps slightly, not expecting the sudden contact.

"It wasn't a waste of time," he says, his voice steady and low, with an undertone to it that she hadn't heard before. She had heard drunk Silus before, crying Silus as well. She'd encountered high Silus after a college party gone wrong. This wasn't one of those times though, he wasn't speaking with anything lacing his system, at least not that she knew of. "None of this was ever a waste of time for me Alethea. It was worth it, every minute of it."

He steps forward as he pulls her back against his chest, resting his chin on her shoulder as his face finds its place nuzzling her neck. He inhales, circling his arms around her waist and it's strange. This feels intimate, as if they were more than just a pair who got together for a quick fuck. Sure they had their fair share of nights on the beach when he needed to escape home, and sometimes they'd be on the phone for hours taking the piss out of outfits from this year's Met Gala, but that wasn't anything special. At least she hadn't thought so, not from his point of view. Silus had never been looking for intimate, he was looking for fun and no strings attached. He had wanted someone who wouldn't chase him expecting something more, someone who wouldn't break when things were all said and done. Alethia had tried her hardest to act as if she somehow fit the bill. She didn't though. That wasn't her in the slightest, and Silus had never cared to find out whether it was. He only saw what he wanted to see from her.

"Are you trying to make me cry? Because it's working," she laughs breathily. "It's a bit too late to be wooing me now."

His chest rumbles against her back as he chuckles. "It is, isn't it? I should've gotten my shit together quicker."

She snorts, turning in his embrace and linking her arms around his neck. Their noses brush as she leans forward, looking into his eyes for the first time that day. She's as tall as him though she isn't sure who she got that from, it sure as hell wasn't her mom. "You were the one who had said you didn't want a relationship, regretting it now?" She means to say it in a teasing fashion, but she knows her shaky voice is betraying her and from the way he frowns, he seems to be seriously considering it.

"I am. I regret it." His voice is now a whisper, as if he doesn't mean to have her hear him. "I hate that you're leaving and that I don't even have the right to ask why because who the hell am I to you anyways? I hate that I couldn't take you out on a date even though the idea had been circling my mind for the longest time. I hate that this thing between us can't get any deeper than it has because I've had my head stuck up my ass and now I'm losing someone who's actually made me really happy for the first time in ages."

And she breaks.

She knows how much it's killing him to open up because god does it hurt for Silus to ever talk about his feelings. She hates the way he's looking at her, as if she actually means something to him after all this time she's spent convincing herself otherwise.

He tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear, moving his fingers to trail down her jaw and to the back of her neck. It tickles and she shies away from his touch, knowing he's enjoying the effect he has on her. Her heart's beating so fast that it feels like it'll burst out of her chest any minute now. She almost wants to give in, to let him have his way with her, to continue to be strung alone, pining and longing for something that's even less likely to work than it was before her move.

But she can't let him do this. It's all too much and she won't be able to handle it. She can see from the way he's staring at her lips and the look in his eyes what he's about to say next, and any other day she would've died to hear those words, but right now she just can't.

"Alethea, you know that you're special right? You're like no other girl before, honestly, and I know it's selfish of me to say this but I lo-"

She cuts him off before he can continue.

"You're right, it is selfish. Normally, I would have longed to hear you say something like this, but at this moment, I really can't. Silus, I'm leaving and I don't know if I'll ever be coming back, in fact I don't even know if I'll want to. I've spent so long telling myself that this doesn't mean anything to you, that I'm just someone to pass the time with for you and honestly that's what was making this whole thing easier." She steps back from his hold, knowing he wasn't expecting that response from the way his hands fall down to his sides. "I am just like any other girl. I approached you because I had liked you for the longest time, I held my feelings back and I crushed my own confidence and self-worth in order to somehow stop myself from falling apart and it's left me in a state where I don't recognise myself anymore. I'm not saying it's your fault, you were very clear what you were looking for and I shouldn't have destroyed myself in order to fit that standard. So yes, telling me now, when I'm finally walking away, that you somehow fell for this version of me doesn't help much. It's selfish of you to say that to me, and it's also selfish of me to not hear you out, because I need to hold myself together, but I can't say I'm sorry for that."

He's biting his lip, looking at the ground in guilt and she knows that perhaps her outbreak was unwarranted and she was probably a bitch for this, but she also knows that she needed to get this out of her system. Silus wasn't someone who was very attuned to the feelings of others and if he wanted to somehow let anyone into his world and get past his walls, he needed to learn a thing or two about empathy.

She turns once more, wiping a stray tear that's threatening to escape the corner of her eye. As she goes to open the door, ready to leave this all behind, she stops one last time. She knows that despite everything she had said, he was still someone who had been special to her.

"It wasn't a waste to me either. I spent three years watching you and when we were together I was happy so.... thank you, I guess. Try not to regret keeping someone out next time."

And with that she leaves, not another second of hesitation, there's no room for that anymore in her life. Not when the stakes are so high.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·