Bitch | Twice ff **DISCONTINUED**

Dissapointment.

What is that?

To be direct, according to mr.google, disappointment means "sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfilment of one's hopes or expectations."

Now that would've easily solve our discussion, wouldn't it? But like everything in this world, it simply isn't enough.

Some would say, disappointment is..
—the feeling of their parents gazing through their body and into their soul after taking a quick look at their report card.
—Or the realisation of the situation and reality itself, like how our society stands now with its corruption or how humanity itself has begun decaying
—Maybe even something as simple as a rejection from a crush or delayed comeback from their favourite kpop group.

But today I'll be telling you, my definition.

But first, I'll be telling you the story of

my disappointment

"I wanted to do something. I wanted to yell my heart out until my voice ran out like it didn't even existed. I wanted to smash everything near me until everything was in ashes like in a fire. I wanted to pull my hair chunk by chunk like I had cancer. Anything really. Anything other than just sitting there. In front of my computer. Watching youtube and eating ramen. Ignoring the anger, the sadness, the disappointment, the hatred inside me all mixing, making it a toxic mixture of emotions. Ignoring how my heart was just shattered to pieces, right after it was twisted and pulled like a paper being tormented and then burned. I was ignoring myself.

As I went downstairs to put the ramen bawl in the dish washer. I was shaking. My mind was blank l. I was a walking grenade. I was about to burst any second.

And what did I do? I took a shower. And cried. I cried while closing my mouth with both of my hand. Tightly. All because of my pride. Knowing that my sister is in the next room. And how thin the walls can be sometimes. I was a mess. A wreck. I was me.

'Why am I even crying?' was one of the thoughts that always repeats in my head. I mean, I knew I wasn't going to be accepted. I got B in Science. Of course a prestigious science school wasn't going to accept me. I guess I still had a part of me, just a little part, that hopped for the slightest miracle to happen. 'Fool' I thought as I kept repeating insults to myself. 'Idiot! Naive! Stupid! You were never a Smartass! You're the fvcking opposite! Dumbass! Die!'

I started to be suicidal. I started to think why I was born or why was I still alive. I was starting to think of pulling the rope. I was always like this. In time of despair, think of death. I mean, I was never treated poorly. On the contrary, I was well given.

It was never because of my parents being away every month. It was never because of my older brother and sister living in dorms, studying and achieving success. It was never because me and my little sister's fights. It was never because of my family.

But It was also never because of Emily and Qristine's frequent teasing and bullying. It was never because of Sally and Niemi's clingy-ness. It was never because of Ariana's breakdowns and mood swings. It was never because of Kasha's success. It was never my friends. It was nothing but one person.

The person I despise most. The person I put lowest than the lowest. The person I want to strangle till she dies. The person who caused all the suicidal thoughts and failures. Me. It was always because of me. If I were to die by committing suicide, it was never because of my family, my friends, my enemies. Neither was it because of my surroundings and gifts. It was all because of my hatred for myself. I just, can't live with myself."

(A/N: all names are replaced.)

This was exactly what I wrote and felt last year. This was the biggest disappointment I've ever felt. Do I still feel that way now? No. And that's what disappointment means to me. Temporary.

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Oop- lol sorry for wasting your time loves. This is a little something that's been on my mind lately. I've been trying to polish my essay writing and speech/discussion skills too. So thanks for reading till the end. I might come back to this page and polish this more so yea.
-author