entropy

sixteenth

"Hi mom."

To say I can hear the crickets deep into this building of thick walls in my current dilemma is an overstatement but her silence remains disturbing.

"It's my birthday, mama." Yes, this is the situation I always come back to after another death. "The sun shines bright outside today." That's a lie, an attempt the original said to brighten the dim atmospehere. "And the moon was especially beatiful last night." It wasn't. A rainstorm passed our town last night, leaving devastated homes, including ours. The next line of words would be "I received a letter from Alec.", but it did not came out of my lips. Not this time.

Still baffled with how I just previously died, I remained seated, staring ahead but not exactly looking for anything. In this latest death, there was no spilled blood.

The memory I am able to recall suggests that I was alone in my grandparents empty farmland, expecting death to visit me at the right time, with the right bargain in hand. Keeping proper posture, but undoubtedly scared as the time ticks by, and relieved that no other person was around.

As much as I am in anger of these countless loops of life, it's a lie to say I wasn't afraid to loose my life. Even if one could say I'm already a veteran in dying, the process itself continuously haunts my being. I dont want to die. I dont want to die anymore.

April 3rd, 2028. 6:34 am

I heard the last morning cry of a rooster, and saw an army of red ants sprawled on a decaying body of a wild rat. Then I drowned.

April 3rd, 2018. 6:40 am

As far as I can recall, the only water source was a huge blue drum that is  three-fourths of my height. My memory is still a blur as I have barely recovered from shock but the torturous feeling of water quickly entering my nose and mouth, and subsequently my lungs, still lingers.

How could I have known, that the only thing more unpleasant than running out of air is breathing water. Contradictory to a popular belief of your life passing through your eyes before death, mine just all went black.

As the common saying goes, one must always prepare to expect the unexpected. In my blank stare I noticed the subtle tapping of her left foot on the floor.

My mother was a disciplined and graceful woman that even in her state such body reflexes cannot be noticed by many. But as her daughter, I felt her anxiety. This has never happened before. A deviation of other people's actions from the original timeline so early when I have just come back.

Something changed. Something happened before I died and came back. An information I cannot put my mind on. But I know I knew it. Think Juliana, what were Alec's last words?